Friday, October 26, 2018


I've been acting... making out things are fine, when they're not - and it's all caught up with me.

This is a bad thing to do.

Yesterday, my mind caught up with me and I mentally fell down and couldn't get up. 

It's only been 6 months since my childhood friend took her own life; and I hid from my grief. I hid in my garden and renovated the crap out of it... and when I ran out of money and the weather got too hot, when I had to stop and look around,when I couldn't hide in the garden anymore, I ... fell down.

I had to take in reality.

I haven't written anything to do my fictional worlds which is more than 2,000 words since May of this year. I can barely get out a poem - not even a sonnet or a ballad - and yet reading has become an alien planet to me. I walk into my home library and I just want to throw out all of my books and have an empty room.

But I know it's not me who is really thinking that. It's grief. It's depression. It's that horrible nagging voice in the back of my mind telling me that I could have saved her - it's name is Guilt. 

I couldn't have saved Hannah. 

If I flew to the UK and tried to help her, what else would I have done? Been shattered over there, as much as I am here, that's what.

National Novel Writing Month is coming up in a week or two and I'm hoping to push through my inability to work and make myself write 50,000 words. I have to get myself through this drought of words and get back into my fictional worlds again... I miss the characters, the way it all works, my fun trips there and back.

Depression has many faces - and reality can make it crush your world. Mine has been crushed after so many months hiding from it; and now, I need time to work on how to live without my dear friend.

Monday, October 15, 2018


Over the past week, it's been raining a lot... and we really do need it! But after the first 48 hours, I really became bored with it all.

My lawn grew 10cm in what seemed overnight, and I found I could only do laundry in small lots - because I only have the clothes horse to use to dry my clothes. Yep, the rain is starting to interfere with my life.

But I've been looking at what paintings can be done next; writing down the titles of them in a book I've got sitting in my living room; and making sure it all sorted out for the next few months. I'm really looking forward to making my exhibition of works about Brunswick Heads really worthwhile. 

NaNoWriMo is coming up in the next few weeks, and I have to clean up the home office and put away anything I'm not currently using around the place. This means, making the place messy before it gets tidy again... which isn't a bad thing, so long I follow through. And in this dreary weather, I find that kind of hard to do.
Well, I'm also cleaning up the living room so I can chill out in between the time I'm writing and anything else I need to get done in the house during November. I won't be much of a social butterfly - not that I'm one now - and I'm hoping to work on my next book easily, now I have done some research and have my books near me too.

The good thing is that I'm not worried over the garden anymore. Yeah I was concerned that it wasn't going to grow much because we weren't getting any rain. But now, we've got so much rain, it's all growing so fast! I'm pleased with how it's going, and now we just need some sunshine to make the photosynthesis to work properly - yep, the circle of life to work out! And the best thing is that my first crop of Black Cherry Tomatoes have been harvested today.

Over the next week or two, I'll be cooking up large batches of food and freezing meal-sized containers of them. This is so next month, I can just defrost one and not be worried about cooking something when I've been writing for a good part of the day next month. It'll be good to have it all on hand and ready to eat.

Otherwise, I'm hoping to get myself a new stylus for my turntable soon. It's going to work out in the next week or so, hopefully. I can't wait to get back in and play vinyls again as I really do miss playing them. The radio isn't much fun - there's way too many adverts on it. Until my next post, take care, stay safe and remember, I'm always here.

Sunday, October 7, 2018

My 45th Birthday!

Woah! I'm 45... jeez, I never thought I'd make it to this age - dunno why, I just didn't. I think it was because when you're 10 years old, being 45 is such a long way into the future, you can't see yourself as that age.

Oh well. I'm here now.

And being this age isn't that bad. 

So far, I've had my art teacher dump me from his class because of his own mental problems - which is totally all him, not me. And believe me, I'm more than happy to bugger off out of his class - I don't care. Couldn't afford to stay in his class anyway.

I've almost completed my Little Garden Facelift - and finally bought myself a Tahitian Lime Tree for the garden! It's a grafted one and will be putting out fruit by Summer - or late in the season - and I'll have so much fruit it'll be something I'll be giving away to people.

And well, I've had a good look around my house and thought 'holy crap, I have so much junk I really need to get rid of it all!' and really I do!

But I had a great birthday. 

I went out to the Hyperdome and spent the day spending my store vouchers from the places I'm a member of... like Ishka (a Turkish store I love) and I bought a journal and 3 pairs of cool socks. They were having a 50% off sale and I used my 10% off for my birthday there too. 
Then I spoiled myself and bought Season 13 of 'Supernatural' - my all-time favourite show on television! It's a great show and I've not missed a single episode since it started in 2005... now that's something, right? I had lunch at Gloria Jeans and scored my free coffee and only had to pay for my vegetarian quiche. 
And then I thought to pop into Riot Art to see if Vanda (an arty friend of mine from the Logan Artists Association) was there. And yes she was! We caught up and had a great chat! 

Before long, it was time for me to go home. I had been at the Hyperdome for almost 3 hours and I had done everything I wanted to do... and I wanted to go and get in some op-shopping and check the mail before anything before going home. 
I arrived at the Slacks Creek Vinnies and found some lovely things for under $15 and then went off and checked the mail and found a huge parcel from my Bookcrossing Birthday Buddy waiting for me! Well... it was time to take off home and unpack everything, wash the socks I had bought and make sure I had the phone on speaker when I called Mum.
You see, when I unpack my Birthday parcel every year from my Bookcrossing Birthday Buddy, I always call Mum and share the experience with her over the phone. It's funny I do this, but she loves it when I do this on my birthday! Well, I received so many things this year from my wonderful Birthday Buddy, Wendy!

Well, that night, my parents took me out to a place on Logan Road called 'Limon'. It's a Turkish restaurant I'd never been to before, but I've driven past hundreds of times. Well, as we sat down, Aunty Helen showed up! She gave me a lovely present and joined us for dinner! It was a great night out of wonderful food, laughs and company! 
I ordered the Fish Tagine - of Barramundi and a side dish of herb rice - absolutely delicious! We had a dessert choice too! I chose the Chocolate Mud Cake and it came out on a large platter with 'Happy Birthday love Limon' in chocolate icing on it and a candle in the ice cream! What a way to celebrate my day! And the cake was so rich I didn't need a cake, just that one slice, which had been heated up and turned warmed and gooey... ooh yummo!

By the time we waddled out of the place, we didn't want to eat anything else, just head back to my parents' house and have a cup of tea. I was exhausted and happy to just sit back and listen to good conversation. 

I arrived home at around 9pm Friday night and felt wide awake but still very tired... if you know what I mean... and I jumped online to find so many of my dear friends had wished me a Happy Birthday! It's been a few days now, and I'm still getting the belated ones showing up - so great to hear from friends on there. I love them all! 

So, another year is gone, and a new one is beginning... I'm looking forward to the new things and happenings which are going to be coming up for the next year. I'll be working on new art, my new garden, new paintings, new exhibitions, driving new places, taking more photographs to get in more work done... and learning more from other artists I've made friends with. Yep, when one door closes, another one opens - no matter where you are in your life or how weird the circumstances are in how it happens. For me, it's another step forwards to get my work exhibited and worked on in my own style. And it all started on my Birthday... not a bad thing, right? Yep... the glass is - and will always be - half-full.