Keeping Yourself Sane

In these weird-ass times, it's important to keep yourself sane. It's difficult to sleep, hard to get something to eat which you'll want to eat, and it's even more difficult to get motivated in the mornings. Yes, you just don't want to get out of bed anymore; thinking there's no point in getting up - because there's nothing to do, nowhere to go and not much point in getting out of bed until 1pm.

Well, I'm afraid to tell you this, if you keep doing that to yourself, you will actually put your system at risk of catching this virus and you will get sick.

If you think that sounds negative, well, I don't mean to be - it's the truth about being depressed and also being mentally exhausted. We are all feeling this right now and it's a matter of doing a few things which will put you onto a more normal keel.

Get to bed and get up at your regular times.

I know that sounds like a no-brainer, but there's you out there who are going to bed a midnight and getting out of bed at 2pm and then complaining you have no energy and don't want to get out of your pajamas and you're sitting around watching television all day or sitting around surfing the net all day on your phone. This is not healthy... and what's worse for you is to call up for take-away and have those 'zero-contact' delivery show up. I'm telling you right now, there's no such thing as zero-contact. They have to make your food, right? Well, they're touching it there... make it yourself.

And speaking of which: 

Get in and cook your meals yourself.

Cooking is the great equaliser. You will find out what kind of cook you are when it comes down to it. Are you the gourmet where you have a herb garden outside in the greenhouse? Or are you the baked beans on toast cook? Well, after a while the baked beans on toast will get very old - and believe me, it'll get old very quickly. 

Organise yourself

Organise your day as though you're going out to work. Yes, this is a good way of getting in and working from home, or making it as though you are. We all have a lot of time on our hands now. And there's no better time to get in and take a good look at where your house is at than now. Have you got too many books? Have you got clothes that no longer fit (or you haven't worn in over a year?), are you looking at furniture which you're sick of. Now is the time to look at your finances and start to save up for the new furniture, put away anything you don't want to donate when we're allowed to donate again, and it's time to get in and start looking at how you want your house to look and feel.
This will be a great time to learn new things as well. Get in and work on your garden. Learn how to cook that meal your Grandmother used to cook for those family gatherings you've always wanted to know how to cook. Read that series of books you've had in your bookcase - now it the time because we all have the time.

Get dressed, Show Up.

Yes... that's the ticket! You get up at 7am every morning, get your butt into some every day clothes (no not those boxer shorts you wore yesterday - real clothes from your wardrobe, and not a Halloween costume) and you show up in your kitchen and actually make yourself something to eat, a cup of coffee and look outside. You may be on complete lock down where you're not allowed outside at all, or you can go out into the garden, but you have to get your ass out of bed, out of your pajamas and into your life. 

We're all feeling really ... blah... right now. And it's because we can't see each other, we can't hug our parents or our loved ones. We can't take our friends out to lunch and have a good gossip about everything. But this isn't forever; and we will get through this. And while we're putting up with the crap hand we've been dealt, we can all stand together (at the social distance of 1.5m) and get it that life will go on. 
So, take care of yourself. Get in and work on that great American/Australian/life-long novel/series of paintings/lot of music - whatever you've been meaning to get into - and chill out. I've always been told that my house is my castle... and you know? It's true. And for those of you who are not treating your house as your castle - as your retreat - you're seeing it all wrong. You're seeing your house as a prison, a halfway house, instead of the place you escape to get away from the world. This is how we must see our houses right now - they are our castles, not prisons. We're not trapped at home, we're safe in our castles. 

Six Weeks

I've been away for a month and a half and a lot has happened.

Well, I went and house-sat my brother and his girlfriend's house at Brighton here in Brisbane, and pet-sat too, and it was a totally different experience from where I normally live.

For one thing, it was by the sea, and it was gorgeously quiet and pretty. I was looking after 6 chickens who all laid their eggs in relative privacy and 3 of which enjoyed a pat when I went into their pen. 
Then, there was Ellie the dog. First off, she didn't really want to hang out with me, but then, after my niece moved in with her boyfriend, she was cool about sleeping in the cottage in her own little bed. And she got used to sleeping at the foot of my bed in her bed... which was just the cutest thing! 
I became accustomed to her waking me a few minutes before my alarm and she got used to going for drives with me around the shore... and to cool parks and cafes at around 8am to socialise. She was so cool with people greeting her and patting her that she looked forward to our mornings out together. Ellie even made a friend, Kevin, who totally enjoyed hanging out with us and chatting. 

Then, the Corona Virus hit the news and people panicked. I wondered about how bad it was going to get; and it spread like you wouldn't believe... the panic I mean. The media hasn't done us any favours in this either. So, I'm hoping to look at staying at home more, instead of being around the social events. 

How fortunate I'm an introvert - yes social outings make me very nervous.

Well, it's been 6 weeks away and I'm looking at getting a bigger greenhouse, so I can grow my own vegetables... I've been keeping a second pantry for some years now, so I'm not worried about shopping centres. But from what I've been seeing on the news on Facebook, it's been getting violent out there. 
And on the way home today, I dropped into the Rochedale Fruit Market and people were being okay with each other, but I could feel a tension in the air. Nobody was talking to each other, not like it used to be. I smiled at people and said hi, but was greeted with a scowl. 

This virus is freaking people out, and everyone has to remember that we're all in this together. You can't treat people like shit and not expect the same in return - all because you're terrified that it'll get you. Take a breath, and please stop hoarding things.

Yes, it's a virus which is highly contagious.

But so was all the other virus' they told us about... and we are all still here - right?

In this time of what is happening in the world of closing down schools, and libraries, and people getting sick (and believe me it's not everyone - it's the old and people who have immune problems), it's a good idea to look inwards and realise what you are to be thankful for. 

For me, I'm healthy. I have a roof over my head and books to read (which I've been meaning to read for years), and now I will get the chance to. I have a house to clean out better, a garden to tend to. I'm writing books, painting and finishing artwork from a few months ago... if I have to stay home, well, this is what will be done. And really, it's not going to be so bad. 

Zero Tolerance

When you hear that, you know exactly what it means, don't you?

Of course you do! It means: no bullying, no blazing, no putting anyone down in public, at schools, online or offline, over the phone, on Facebook, on Twitter, on Snapchat or any other social media and really exactly why in the hell would you want to?

My question to you is this: would you go and push somebody around face to face if you told them off from the complete and total safety of your keyboard? No, you wouldn't. I wouldn't. It's just not like me to something that backwards and idiotic.

So, why to people who live on the other side of the planet take it upon themselves to come onto my Facebook page and tell me what I can and can't upload onto it? Why do they message me and tell me to take down what I have uploaded - and other people find lovely, sweet and inspiring - and yet they find it's not what they want to see today? Why do they push their crap onto me and make it out to be something I should be taking on when I have enough on my plate in my life as it is? 

I'm not expecting an answer from any of you. But if you want to answer, go ahead. I've already posed this question on Facebook and have gotten these questions answered from one place - it's okay if your up to answering a bunch of questions from me today.

But this person was grieving and he happened to be having a really awful day - as you do when you grieve (and we all grieve in different ways) - and he just wanted to dump his emotional wastebasket all over me. 
However, what he didn't take into mind was that I'm also grieving, but not over just one person (like he was), but I'm grieving over three people that I've lost over the past 18 months. I deal with my grief in such a different way to him that he thinks I don't care - but I do. If I let my grief takeover my life like he has, I'd be a wreck.

I'm doing positive things to help not only myself, but others as well. I'm working on my health, self-worth, self-love and I'm talking to my family. I'm painting, reading, writing, and I'm also creating so much I've got three exhibitions in the next month that artwork is going into! I'm hoping to get all of it sold! 

That's not all. I'm working on my garden, keeping my social contacts active - all my friends know I'm going okay (not great, but okay) - and yes I have my bad days, but I'm working on getting better with my dearly departed friends who meant so much to me. I've been working on my garden, on my car, and decluttering my home office; one bag at a time. I'm planning a road trip, planning on re-arranging my home office and getting another desk and a new bookcase... I'm keeping myself active.

This guy seemed to not care that I'm doing my level best to keep positive about what's going on in my life as I try to help people deal with the crap pouring from the social media and the news stations every day... my Facebook wall is one of those few which is about inspiring others, love and caring for each other. I do talk about what's going on in my life, but it's more often than not an inspirational picture with a quote on it. This isn't just for him to look at, it's for everyone - as it's a public post for the world to see. 

I'm afraid to say that if he doesn't like what he sees, he'll have to just deal with it - as I do when I come across the crap and violence which does come across the newsfeed on Facebook. 

We can't control what happens in the world, but we can control how much we see of it and how it affects us. If you don't like something on Facebook, don't look at it, scroll past it, don't comment on it, don't stalk the uploader and don't tell people what they can and can't upload - that's being an arsehole and a controlling person in their world. 

If you can't deal with your day, don't go online and make it other people's problems. We have no idea how your day is, what your pain is, or how things are going for you, but if you can't deal with what's on your plate, it is time you did go to your local doctor and started talking to them about your pain. Going online is not the way. 

I just had to get this out there because this is how I feel. 

Learning to Slow Down

Over the past year, I've been working hard to forget about the death of my dear friend. I thought if I stopped or slowed down too much, the sheer thought of her passing would bring me to a crashing halt again. 

But that's not true.

A few months back, I landed in the A & E of the Greenslopes Private Hospital and it was because I had almost burnt myself out. The doctor in charge there asked me if I'd been through a huge loss, and I said yes, and he asked if I had been working hard on things all year - and not letting her go. I hadn't really thought about it, but I have been doing a lot of things in the past year to stop myself from thinking about Hannah.

I'm beginning to slow down a little now. I'm working slowly on things, enjoying a movie on Saturday nights again, reading the newspaper on Sunday mornings. Hey, I've even gotten back into reading part of a book before turning out the light again - now I haven't done that since before Hannah died last May. 

At long last, my life is beginning to get back into some kind of normal again. But it's her memory which I'm trying to keep alive as well. I guess this will take time to do with people who knew her.

Things in my life are taking shape though. Hannah did ask me to live a better and more fulfilled life than she did (she did more than I've ever done), so I almost immediately started saving up for a camper after she passed away. I also cleaned up my garden, started cleaning out my house on a major scale and put into work a beanie I've always wanted to design... and I'm well on my way to getting into the type of life I've been only planning. 

The one thing I have to do to get this life plan of mine working properly is to slow down. I have to learn to watch life pass me by a little, relax and enjoy what I've got and what is going on around me more and learn to wait for things. Yep, life is one big lesson on waiting isn't it? Until my next post, take care, stay safe and remember, I'm always here.

Tip-Toeing Through Life

I have found that the past few years have been a minefield of apologising to everyone around me, being sorry for who I am online and stopping myself from saying the 'wrong thing' to people who don't like what I do.

And I'm not the only one it seems.

I've just spent the last hour or so saying sorry on Facebook and on another site I'm a member of for other people's bad moods - and I damned well bloody sick and tired of tip-toeing through the tulips all because others are insulted about what I say or do.

And you know something? Those same people are all ready to say and do things towards me which insult the way I live, who I am, what I've said and how I feel without even thinking about it... without editing themselves, without stopping and seeing if they're going to stand on my toes about what they're about to say.

So, right now, I'm sick to death of the insulted generation of people who are insulted by everything we say. They get insulted by all of the things on the news, the way people dress, the music that's from the 80's (and the decades before that) saying it's sexist and horrible. The insulted generation are insulted by how things were in the past and expect everyone from that time to apologise for being a part of it, being brought up in it and not knowing any different because it was the only way they knew how life was.

Well, you know something? I'm not sorry for who I am. And if you don't like it, that's too bad! I'm sick and tired of being the nice person who thinks twice before she speaks, dresses like Grandma because people will think she's showing too much leg, and goes out too much on her own - but really, what's it to you what I do with my life? What you should be doing is concentrating on your own life and stop looking at mine. 

I'm not apologising for anything I've done, anything I'm currently doing or anything I'm going to do in the future. And like I said, if you don't like it - tough!

A Different Year

This year is different somehow, I don't know how, but it is. I've been thinking and feeling different about my life since last October and it's a good feeling.

I'm not sure if you understand how this is, but it's almost as though all my stresses which annoyed and stressed me out last year, have suddenly lifted and I'm able to focus on the main things I have on my plate in my life.

It's a great feeling.

And it's a different year for me.

Last year was a stressful, hard year of loss, mourning and not having any money in my pockets. This year, I'm looking at my life and realising it's got nothing to do with money - it's to do with happiness; and happiness doesn't need money really.

I've got plans and they will take time to work out - a couple of years - and I'm easy with that. It's going to be a good thing for me to slow down, enjoy the path I'm walking for now and enjoy the scenery of my life for the time being. And that's a good change for once, because over the past few years, I've been rushing, running and working hard and fast - been stressed out - to get thing done; and it's not good for me physically or mentally. 
Now, I'm going so well, since I joined a gym and I'm starting to push myself a little harder each week there. I'm feeling so much better, suffering from less headaches and less problems. I'm thinking outside the box more, and it's good.

Seeing I'm looking forward to working away from my home and towards the plans in my life, I'm trying not to let anything bother me anymore - well, yeah, things bother me; if I didn't I wouldn't be human. But it's a learning curve for all of us. 

I'm still enjoying my painting, my reading, my writing, and my gardening. But I'm taking it all at a good pace. I'm painting more than one painting at a time, I'm reading well-written books, I'm eating only when I'm hungry and I'm not watching crappy television shows (let's face it, life is way to short for shit like that). 

It's a different year and I'm going to make it count. So, why don't you? Make your next year count. Do something different each month - each week - to keep yourself happy, active and working forward towards your goals of what you want to do in your life. I may have waited until I was 45 to get my butt into gear, but at least I'm doing what I need to do to get my dreams done. And it might take a year or two to get them off the ground? So be it... I'm a slow-burn kinda person anyway. I'm enjoying each day with vigor, seeing each day as a new way of getting in and cleaning out my house, making room, donating items to a charity, making sure I have thrown out another few bags of rubbish in the bin... yes, it's all working towards my goal, believe it or not. 

So, what's your dream, your goal, your whale? Write it down, plan for it.... and take the steps - not matter how small they start out to be - to walk towards your dream job, or dream achievement in your life. And what your dream may be to you, isn't the same dream for somebody else. So, the people who think your dream isn't good enough, isn't what they think is something you should be doing, well, they aren't the people you should have around you. 

Your dreams are your dreams. 

Plan them. Work toward them. Live them. 

Six Months

It's six months since my wonderful friend in the UK died, and I've been in denial. I'm finally getting help for my grief and working with people on Beyond Blue website - who have been wonderful by the way. They have let me talk about things I can't talk about with my family and let me talk about how badly I've felt in the past months.

This is good.

I've changed in a lot of ways over the last six months as well. 

I've stopped worrying about decluttering my house at an enormous rate. It's not something of importance to me anymore. What's important is my mental health right now; and that I'm happy within myself. 

I think a lot of people are not happy with themselves in this world, and they don't know how to express themselves. This is a big problem. With the technology we have right at our fingertips, we find it difficult to get away from the computer screens, Netflix and the glowing blue screens in our hands. We hide behind them to guard our feelings and it's not as safe as we think.

I've been getting out more of late, and I've also been talking to a lot more people away from my computer lately as well.

At the last Logan Art Gallery Christmas Party, I talked to a lot more people than I normally did in the past. I sat with different people at morning tea and talked to them, letting them know what I was like - instead of sitting quietly writing poetry or on my phone checking my emails. At lunch, I sat with a completely different lot of people than I did last year. So, I got to talk to more of the other volunteers I don't normally work with. 

This is a good thing for me. 

I've been cooking more of my spaghetti sauce for myself and freezing it in meal-sized portions and enjoying different types of food - vegetarian food - and enjoying old movies from the 80's on Netflix and loving my vinyls more. I've been hanging out with my older brother more too. And I've found out that he's been trying to find a way to connect with me for years; and I've never known it. I asked him why he didn't tell me that, we could have worked on that sooner. 

I'm still sad about what's happened in my life. But I've changed things in my life greatly to make things work better. I've started going to the gym, and worked in the garden. I'm more giving and kind to complete strangers at the store - and expect nothing in return. 
Within six months, I have found that my life has completely changed for the better. I'm not as closed off and hard as I used to be. I'm becoming more generous, less stressed out and am working to be a better person. 

Depression

I've been acting... making out things are fine, when they're not - and it's all caught up with me.

This is a bad thing to do.

Yesterday, my mind caught up with me and I mentally fell down and couldn't get up. 

It's only been 6 months since my childhood friend took her own life; and I hid from my grief. I hid in my garden and renovated the crap out of it... and when I ran out of money and the weather got too hot, when I had to stop and look around,when I couldn't hide in the garden anymore, I ... fell down.

I had to take in reality.

I haven't written anything to do my fictional worlds which is more than 2,000 words since May of this year. I can barely get out a poem - not even a sonnet or a ballad - and yet reading has become an alien planet to me. I walk into my home library and I just want to throw out all of my books and have an empty room.

But I know it's not me who is really thinking that. It's grief. It's depression. It's that horrible nagging voice in the back of my mind telling me that I could have saved her - it's name is Guilt. 

I couldn't have saved Hannah. 

If I flew to the UK and tried to help her, what else would I have done? Been shattered over there, as much as I am here, that's what.

National Novel Writing Month is coming up in a week or two and I'm hoping to push through my inability to work and make myself write 50,000 words. I have to get myself through this drought of words and get back into my fictional worlds again... I miss the characters, the way it all works, my fun trips there and back.

Depression has many faces - and reality can make it crush your world. Mine has been crushed after so many months hiding from it; and now, I need time to work on how to live without my dear friend.

A More Positive

It's been a while since I last wrote. But I've been going through a dark phase; and didn't want to depress you all. 

The garden is looking great; and I'm adding new little succulents which I got from a friend of mine last week. I'm also saving up for my birthday present of 2 shelving units from Stratco to put all my art and craft stuff into from the markets. This will give me more room to move - and an extra box to use for storage. The Crafty Pegs items I didn't sell on Saturday will be taken to my old craft group and they can sell them off to have the money given to the community centre. I just can't be bothered working out Gumtree where people want things for nothing... it's not worth my trouble. 

I'm cleaning out the unit again, and I started on Saturday night, where I cleaned up a piece of furniture and gave it to my new neighbours. They love it! There's going to be the skinny bookcase too; which I'll give to them as well. I won't be needing it anymore, and I scored that for nothing. So, why not pass it on while it's still in good condition?

Well, I'll be cleaning out my art gear and handing it onto people who want it, and getting rid of canvases I don't want as well... while getting ones I want to use for my next exhibition. It's going to be a big clean up, and it's going to be all worth the mess to start with. By November, my place will be tidier and better and easier to use and store things in. 

I'm looking forward to the next month of sorting out and I'm more eager about working on the place because I have a goal about how things are going to be. Just like the garden, my house needs a big tidy-up, bigger than it needed before. This will mean I'll be letting go of big things which I had in the place for a long time. And seeing a part of my Crafty Pegs hobby business is being let go of, doesn't mean it's going away, I'm just taking it into another direction... a great one.

My life is going into another direction as well. 

Since Hannah's passing, I've been in mourning and hit a kind of bottom. Some of my friends and family probably didn't see it, but I haven't been doing so well emotionally. I've had a huge case of writer's block and haven't been able to write anything to call substantial since May or June. 

But I'm getting my writing mojo back and I'm beginning to sleep better (yeah, I wasn't sleeping all that well). I've begun to look after myself, eating better and going to the gym, and I'm beginning to see things in a different light. I do miss my wonderful friend greatly, however, she was in pain. 

This past weekend was the first time I really enjoyed the whole weekend right through. I attended the funeral of a family member and didn't say much to many people - which was something only a few people noticed. 

And on the Saturday, I was up before dawn and attended my very last markets ever; totally enjoying my day. I forgot to bring my coffee and sugar and laughed at myself about it. It was a great, beautiful day to sit back and sell some goods to people. 

Then, on Sunday, I drove to the fruit market and took my time getting home - something I never do. It was the first time I really looked up and around in months to see it was truly a beautiful Spring day... that I had completely missed out on Winter and had pretty much ignored the world for so long. 

I spent my time split between sorting through my crap in the art area and sitting out in my newly-renovated garden that day, watching it - admiring it - and enjoying the beauty of that day. I had missed out on the past few months, somehow closing myself off from everyone and everything. 

Today, I went to art class and my teacher, Aaron, even noticed my attitude and my mood is different from the past months. He asked me if I'm okay... I smiled, 'Yeah, I'm better than I have been in a while.' And you know, I don't know what's happened lately. But I think it's because I've allowed myself to mourn and grieve properly that I can be happy with myself now. I'm hoping to move onto a new painting next week. I'm looking forward to cleaning up and cleaning out the living room and kitchen area so I can have my house tidier than it's ever been before. I'm hoping to be more positive than I have been in months. What are you hoping for? Until my next post, take care, stay safe and remember, I'm always here.

Going Organic

Since I started working on my garden in the past month, I've been seriously looking at what I'm eating - and looking at labels more closely as well.

And ... well, you wouldn't believe how much salt and sugar is in a lot of things we put in our shopping trolleys. 

So, I've been slowly going organic in my home. First it was me installing the green house (which I'll be saving up for a bigger one to be able to grow veggies and other fruits so I can save myself money each pay) and I've begun growing the herbs and a Black Cherry Tomato vine in there - it's looking great! 

Now, I've planted out some garlic - which will take a year to harvest. I don't mind; as I'm a patient person when it comes to plants. 

So, seeing I'm the type of person who loves to cook all my meals from scratch, it's something I've begun to look at when I'm shopping. I've gotten into eating ketchup - and not the ordinary one, but the organic one. Sure it's a little more expensive, but it's worth it too! It has less sugar and no salt in it; and I read the ingredients as well. 

It's amazing when you go organic in your diet... everything changes - you eat less junk food (even though you do eat it, and know it's there, you don't eat as much of it as before). You drink more water and tea. You sleep so much better than you ever did before; and you have so much more energy as well. 

All of this takes time to happen, but it happens. However, when it's only you doing it, it becomes difficult to go anywhere where nobody else is eating organic foods; as they think everything is organic when it may not be. I know this sounds like I've joined a cult - but read the back of everything you buy (believe me, I've had to in my life of being allergic to a lot of things in food) and you'll find out there's a lot of additives in food you never knew existed. 

Going organic is great - but it's not cheap. What makes it cheap is when you start growing your own food, herbs and cooking everything from scratch... that's when you see how long it takes to do things, like make a pizza. The dough takes around an hour - and the pizza establishments put sugar in their dough to make you eat more; but when you make it at home, there's no sugar in the recipe. It just tastes wonderful all on its own. 
If we all grew our own herbs and veggies and made time to cook everything we ate, I think we'd be a little more healthier, the big shopping centres will have to support the better way of living and there'd be more fruit and veggie markets around. 

But seeing that's in a world of another universe where none of that exists, I guess we'll have to start off small and work on this together, one person at a time. I'll do my bit, but if you wish to join in and 'go organic', that's entirely up to you. You have to stick with it though - and yes, there's an upside to it:

You lose weight.
You enjoy fresh food more.
Cooking becomes something of a love.
You look at your garden differently.
Shopping is a whole new experience - not a nice one.

I have been changing the way I live for years - slowly moving my tastes from Cadbury's Chocolate to Lindt Chocolate... from sweet and creme-filled biscuits to gluten-free seaweed biscuits. From margarine, to nut oil spreads to good, old-fashioned butter. It's taken me time to learn to use Olive Oil and butter in my cooking and not sunflower oil or any other types of oil... it just tastes so much different and better. 

And going organic shows in my blood test results. My sugars are a steady 4.6. My cholesterol is high (but that's my medication do that bad crap) but my lifestyle has kept it from doing anything awful to me. My weight has stopped yo-yoing all over the place. I'm going well for somebody in my mid-40's, when I thought I'd be a complete mess... and I'm not. 
Don't get me wrong, I have had times when I do fall off the healthy, organic ways and munch into some of the worse food around - and I did it recently when a friend of mine took her own life - and I felt awful. I didn't sleep, I felt sick and I put on weight from it all. So, within a few weeks, I jumped back in and worked my way into taking care of myself again even more than before because I'm still grieving and feeling her loss even more than ever now I'm finding myself singing (she was a singer) and enjoying the music more than ever too... and keeping to the good eating way of life is best.

Going organic isn't a cult, it's taking care of yourself in the right way. I call it 'Living Like My Grandparents' because it is. It's living and eating the food, making the meals, drinking leaf tea and full-cream milk and cream and butter the way it used to be. It's getting outside and working in the garden every weekend. It's going for an afternoon walk every day to see the day out - no matter what the weather - and it's keeping yourself away from the takeaway food which is clogging up our arteries and making us sick. 

Let's stop making ourselves sick and go back to eating like our Grandparents did. If you look back into the 1940's - 1970's, you won't see a single overweight person in photos or films. They ate burgers, pizzas and other junk food, but it was all without the crap we have in it today. They didn't sit in front of computers and they worked out, walked and swam, enjoyed dancing and going out to dance halls (and by the way, where are those big dance halls today - oh that's right, the governments have destroyed them all!). The kids went out to roller skating rinks and enjoyed life... and that's how life should be: organic in every way.  

Nineteen Years

It's been 19 years since I escaped an abusive relationship and the other side of Brisbane and came back home to my family. I was only with my ex-boyfriend for 9 months, but it was the longest 9 months of my life! 

He used to beat me, leaving bruises on my hands and arms. But when people started noticing them, he began to mentally abuse me - and believe me, that is so much worse because nobody sees those scars but you and your shrink. He also raped me when he'd get home after a really late night at work and I was in bed sleeping... which was horrendous, and I would never wish on any of my worst enemies.

He was what I call 'A Jekyll and Hyde' guy... yeah you know the one where you never know who you're gonna wake up with in the morning; or who's coming home to you at night after work. Is he going to be a nice guy to you or a complete arsehole and throw his dinner against the wall like a 3-year-old having a tantrum? Is he going to be romantic and bring home flowers and take you out to dinner and tell you to get all dressed up just for him? Will he let you go out with your friends, only to explode at you when you arrive home an hour later than you promised to? And when you do, he goes and destroys something you love... like your favourite cd or a shirt you've brought home from overseas or he flushes your medication down the toilet because he thinks you don't need it. Yep, this is a Jekyll and Hyde... not the person you want be around; and the type you're always walking on eggshells around.

The worst thing he did was get me pregnant, then when I miss-carried, he blamed me for it; calling me a 'cancer on society' - jeez, I'll never forget those words for as long as I live. I knew when he said that it was the beginning of the end of the relationship. But the end of it was when he cheated on me with a man... yes, you read right.

Not long after that, I fell apart on a friend over the phone and she ordered me to call my Dad and my family organised to get me out of that place at Auchenflower here in Brisbane, and back home where I belonged.

It's been 19 years since I lived that nightmare and now I've got my life on track. I'm stablised with my Epilepsy. I'm at art school and doing really well. I'm enjoying working in my garden and the best thing ever is that I'm now back driving a car! Yay! It's the best thing I've achieved ever!

Now, you're probably wondering why I'm writing about my abusive relationship here... well, it's because on Prince Ea's Facebook page, he put up a video about not allowing abusive relationships get too far before they destroy you. I put up a comment talking about my relationship with my ex-bf and it opened a can of worms on there with men and women talking openly about it all. There were women who were relieved they weren't going through this kind of thing alone, and one or two guys who wondered why I didn't leave after the first few times he treated me like crap. I've replied to them all, especially to the men about their queries of why I didn't leave after those first few times. 
It is difficult to understand why people don't leave abusive relationships and unless you've been in one, you'll never understand how much of a trap it can be. Sometimes both people are horrible to each other and don't change. Most times, it's only one person who has trapped the other one and they're treating the the quiet one horribly... and this should never happen. And you know, the people who become involved in abusive relationships are usually very strong people who see the good in everyone - yep that's somebody like me. 

The results from my last relationship is that it's spun my compass about people out of focus. Sometimes I can pick an idiot at 50 paces and other times I can't... but mostly I just can't trust people at all. I've been single for over a decade because I don't trust myself to be in a relationship. But then, when I've been the one in the relationship who has been honest and trusting, the other person has gone out and screwed somebody else. So, really how can I trust anyone when nobody wants an honest and trusting relationship with me? 

Now, when I see Jekyll and Hyde guys around, I just look at them up and down and wonder exactly how they go that way and walk in the other direction. It's not my circus, and not my monkeys... really... and not worth my time. My life and my time is worth so much more than that; and I know it. 

Still, I don't trust anyone - like I said - and after all this time, I think I've improved in a lot of ways. I no longer have nightmares about my ex-bf and I'm not scared of people anymore. I see life a lot differently now. It's all about improving myself, being myself and if people don't like who I am, they can go away. As for those Jekyll and Hyde people? Well, they've got serious social issue they really need to look into.

To Live Life

It's been almost a week since I found out my dear friend, Hannah Northedge committed suicide in the UK. I'm still feeling the greatest of loss from this; as I've known her since we were 10 years old - as I can imagine her family is still reeling from the shock of this as well. 

However, I've been to my therapist and he's pulled a lot of things into perspective for me. He told me - as a GP - that she could have had any type of health problem from health complications from mould (which was in her last place of residence at Gypsy Hill) to Ovarian Cancer (which shows its gruesome face in its last stages of the disease; causing all kinds of pains, torment and weight loss in the patient). But nobody will know anything for another year; mainly because the living is more important than the tests of the dead... that's just how life goes I'm afraid.

Anyway, I've been writing on my Facebook page, letting my friends know what I'm doing more so they know I'm getting there - even though I'm having a few drawbacks here and there - and life most certainly does go on after a loved one's death; no matter how untimely it is. 

But I am going to do something more.

Hannah was only 43 years old - a year younger than me; and I got the opportunity to show her what I'd been working on at art school, how my back yard looked and told her that my medical condition was completely stablised and she got to see my car on the 24th, April - the day to the year I got my car. She was so happy I had my life so sorted... she also loved my 70's house, and told me she loved me. That was the last thing she told me two days later.

But what I'm going to do with my life - the life I have without my sweet, wonderful friend in it to enjoy it with me - is going to be so much more than it was before.

Life is to be lived I find and it's not the big things or the little things which mean the most to us as we walk our journey which is our life. It really doesn't matter how we get there, it's who we meet along the way, how we enjoy the scenery, what we do and how much we love to do what we do during that wandering journey of life. And by the time we're at the end of it - no matter how old or young it turns out to be - I believe it's a matter of what we've done with our lives, not what years we've wasted or the regrets we've made. 

I haven't had the most perfect life - and goodness knows, I've had to fight tooth and nail to get where I am now. But I'm getting out there and working my life to what I want it to be. 

There's always somebody who is going to be saying that life is a chore, or it's difficult or that it's not what you think and it's hard. Well, that's you, not me. Sure I work my butt on writing books and stories. I also have my art class where I've worked my butt off learning how to paint with oil paints and learning to work with other mediums as well. 
Life is what you make it and I see people who make their own lives so difficult due to the choices they've made. However, it can be so much more easier if they take a good look at what they're doing and just change one or two things. 

It's okay to make a mistake... but after you've made that mistake once, forgive yourself. You're Human, it's normal. But making it more than twice? Well, you're making a choice to go and do that again. And this is what life is like: making a mistake or two then remembering the life lesson you've learned. It's not hard, it's not easy, it's not anything except what you make it out to be. 

As for me, I'm going to live life better. Hannah Northedge isn't going to be here to be an old fud with me when I get older... to travel the world with me and enjoy our time on the planet. But I'll take you with me, Hannah, you'll be with me everywhere I go, in my heart and spirit. I'll live for you and with you here. I'll do the things you never got around to doing (and believe me you got to do things and meet more people than I have so far - so I have some catching up to do). This is my promise to you... to live life, not drown in my grief. 

I promise.

I Promise Myself

In the last few hours, I found out one of my dear, sweet friends killed herself. She had huge mental problems and even though I urged her to get medical treatment - as did everyone else in her life - she didn't. 

Her name was Hannah Northedge. 

Google her, and you'll find the news reports.

I have known Hannah for over 30 years, visited her once in 1997 and have found in the past few years, she had some health problems. She was convinced she was in pain and doctors were testing her for everything... but this year, they stopped testing her and wouldn't see her. 

This isn't right. 

She was a great jazz musician who was a dead-ringer for Vivienne Leigh (the lead actress from 'Gone With the Wind'). And you something? She worked herself so hard, she was a star who burned so brightly, that she ended up burning herself out.

This has brought me to promise myself something. I'm going to live my life to the fullest, enjoy every bloom of every rose, of every flower, love every sunrise and sunset and live each day as much as I can possibly enjoy it - and fall exhausted into my bed knowing I had lived that day without wasting a single moment in it.

I may have something wrong with me, but I went to the doctors, and I went through the tests and I'm on medications to help me live my life as full as I can. 

Living a full life doesn't mean taking it by the horns at 5am every day and going everywhere, doing everything full charge ahead. 
It can mean enjoying the rain falling on the roof on a cold morning while you're sleeping in on any day ending in 'y'; just because you feel like it (this is if you don't work or you're retired).
Get out and enjoy working in the garden and making it work for you; then sitting back and watching it grow over the next few months; only maintaining it as it does its thing.
Being the only one up at sunrise to go for an early morning drive and enjoy the silence of the beginning of the day - making it something of ritual as the car and you feel as though you're the only things on Earth.

My promise in this life is to just be. I promise to live my life fully and totally until my life ends at the right time; not until I say so. Life is far to precious to waste and I don't wish to waste any of my life because I'm in pain or have problems with my health. I've had problems with it and went to the right doctors for it. This will take time for me to get through - my friend dying so suddenly - and all I can do is live my life in the best way I know how.

I promise to live, be positive and be the best me I possibly can be... that's all I can promise. Right now, though, it's so hard to be positive - I'm doing my very best.

Living In A Super-Sized World

I've been noticing a bad thing happening around me lately - and it's only since I've been helping Mum go through her old things from decades gone by. I've noticed that way back in 1960's and 1970's everything was much smaller.

I'm not imagining it. I brought out a set of wrapped up cups and she told me that they were coffee mugs she had bought in the late 60's and used. These lovely mugs are a quarter of the size of the ones I have here at home and it got me thinking about how it all works - I mean, how does the government bodies think that it's our fault that we're getting fatter when everything is so 'super-sized' now?

If you compare how our grandparents ate back in the old days, you'd see them having a huge breakfast, a medium lunch and a light snack at dinner - with some small grazing snacks in between those meals (and I mean just cheese and biscuits with a cup of tea not a piece of cheesecake or anything rich). And they caught early nights of around 9pm because the television stations shut down at that time. 

Now, look at our lifestyle now. 

We have 24 hour, 7 days a week television of the most crappiest programming you'll ever come across - even on Foxtel. And a lot of us get up at 5am, rush around stuffing our kids' lunchboxes full of ready-wrapped junkfood we'd never touch personally and expect them to eat it, then race off to work by 7am (and drop off the kids to school by 7:30am or so) and then work our guts out until lunchtime - which most of us probably eat at our desks of whatever we've packed ourselves (if we're lucky) or takeaway food from a nearby restaurant or canteen, then we're back at it again until we finish work in the late afternoon only to rush back home in peak hour traffic and arrive home in the dark.
We barely want to eat dinner - not that we have a family meal together at the dinner table - and we fall asleep in front of the huge, wall-sized television at around 11:30pm... only to repeat this process the next day.

You know, eating the crap, processed food that's on the shelves of the supermarket isn't good for us. But on the other hand, a lot of us don't have time to make the food we want either. Yes, we're between a rock and a hard place and it's not getting any better for us.

However, not only are we stressing ourselves out paying for a house we barely spend any time in, going to a job where if we drop dead tomorrow, they will replace us with somebody else within the week, it's also that we no longer know how to slow down anymore.

We've forgotten how to speak to each other - instead we're forever texting or snap-chatting. We're glued to our televisions and phones just in case we miss out on something important when the most important person is right next to us, right in front of us and yet once that person leaves, we don't know what to do next - or how to get them back; or worse, what we did to make them leave.

In this super-sized world, we have so much going for us, so much offered on a huge silver platter to us, everything is right at our fingertips. We have all the power right here on the internet and yet... 

...yet... 

We have no idea how to use it to best of our ability.

Because it's such a huge amount of power, we have begun to self-destruct. Instead of taking in a little of this power of what we've found and what we've been offered with the new technologies, we've been folly enough to jump at it feet first and not realise that it's also going to be our undoing if we're not careful. 

Already there's signs showing that the super-sized world is becoming far too much for the Human Race and we must do something about it. If you look at the news, it's been going on for some years - and everyone is ignoring it. 

For me? Well, it was to do with drinking mugs from the 1960's compared to now. A little bit of coffee is just enough ... but too much? Well, you'll never get to sleep at night and wake up feeling like crap, not ever get that energy back and you'll know something's not right, but not sure what. Then you'll make yourself another cup of coffee in that big mug you usually use. And seeing you've never used anything else, how else can you see the world in any other way than the super-sized one you've grown up in? 
You don't - not until you are handed a cup from 50 years ago and find that it's a quarter the size of the cup you've been using; and realise you're eating too much, drinking too much and not sleeping enough. 

Until then, there's going to be a certain lot of the population who have the smaller cups and another lot of the population with the larger cups - both think they're right. But we all live in the super-sized world and only one lot of the population will survive - who do you think will it be? 

Fears In Our Lives

I've just been on Facebook, cruising around looking at some groups I'm a member of and found that people get really angry at the smallest things - like for example if I have an actual opinion of my own.

Yes, Lord forbid I have a real opinion about something which isn't of anyone else's.

In one group, somebody took a photograph of a spider and uploaded it onto the group discussion and asked what kind of spider it was. I said that I wouldn't care, and to kill it. Well, the backlash that came from that comment was huge... people asking me why, and how horrible I was! They didn't think twice in putting up piles of those stupid angry faces. Instead, why didn't they ask me: 'Oh... are you scared of spiders. Sorry about that - of course you'd say to kill it.' 

And this is another thing: why is it that one person's fear is something hilariously funny to another? 

Okay, I'm terrified of spiders ... and I mean I'll kill the smallest one around just in case it disappears around the house somewhere and grows into something I don't like. Yeah my mind plays games like that. I'll kill it before it does anything - even if it's been hanging about in the corner and it's only the size of a penny and won't hurt anyone, I'll still kill it.

I'm also terrified of clowns - those hateful, grease-paint-covered people in big floppy shoes and wigs with the cotton gloves! You won't see me screaming or anything, I just go really quiet and start backing away slowly, staring at them. I don't like them at all - not since I was seven years old and I went to a circus and one thought to 'entertain' me. In reality it freaked me right out! 

Another fear I've got is needles. You know when you go to get a blood test, and you can just walk in and get it done? Yeah, well, it takes me days to work up the courage to actually walk into a place like that and get a blood test done - sometimes I just don't get it done because I'm so scared of those stupid things. And it's because I had been getting blood tests since I was 2 years old every 3 months until I was around 9 years old... not a big thing to be scared of really; not until you have to be an adult about it - like I had to be last week when the doctors had to put me to sleep in a hospital and the guy knew I didn't like needles and hid it from me (great person to do that).

But when I was in high school, they did the T.B test (which was a stamp the year before) and I had to have half the staff sit on me and somebody hold down my arm - and this was after 3 1/2 hours of them trying to talk me into it. When they finally did get the needle near me, the nurse told the principal, 'Next year, go back to the stamp - you won't have somebody like her in the mix, and it'll be so much faster.' And the following year, they did.

So, why is it that we as a Human Race make fun of another person's fears, thinking it's something small? I don't understand it - and never will. I don't make fun of another's fears simply because I have my own fears which people think are stupid. 
The reason for us doing this is because deep down inside we don't want to be seen as sensitive to another's feelings and seeing them as a person with their own fears - and therefore have our friends think we're not going to think the same way at them. Yes, we fear rejection from our own tribe if we don't make fun of the people we do make fun of; instead of breaking away from them and thinking for ourselves.

Isn't it so true that our fear of not being ourselves in this world is also how we filter our lives on Facebook and on the internet? I don't filter myself online or offline... and if people don't like me for who I am, well, that's tough. I'm not changing myself for them - and it looks like they're not going to be part of my life... right? 

Fears - it holds us back, makes us tougher, causes weakness in some and then keeps us in check as well. But if we didn't have them, we wouldn't be human either. 

Purple Day

Today is Purple Day - the day to bring to the fore and into the public eye the attention of Epilepsy. This is an uncomfortable and very confronting medical condition that nobody wants to talk about or think about because it's not pretty, it's not a behind-closed-doors kinda thing.

No, Epilepsy is a brain condition which affects not only the person who is suffering from it, but their family and friends. This brain condition - and it's also a disease - is something I've been born with and have recently found out that it's genetic in my body. 

Man, did I feel like I was cursed!

But the doctors told me that it would take time to get myself well - time and patience. I had all the time in the world; but patience? Well, I wanted to do so much!

We have been to Melbourne and back, where I overdosed by accident. I've been in and out of so many hospitals and lost track of how many medications I've been on... and now so many years later, I'm eating a healthy vegetarian diet, don't drink alcohol, don't smoke (anything) and yet, still find it difficult to get to sleep at night. 


I have accomplished a few things I've always wanted. I'm living on my own now, and own a car as well. I've learned to cook, take care of myself and my home and learned to keep plants alive too. And these are things which are wonderful to accomplish in life - and they may be small to some people, but for me, they're majorly huge.

But today, I want to step forward and tell people about my condition/disease as it's not all what you see in the movies. It's nerve-racking, it's tiring and feeling like you're not in complete control of your life or anything you do - ever. 
It's not able to sleep in until 10am, all because you have to be up by 7am to eat with your medication or it'll burn a whopping big hole in your stomach and it hurts like hell.
It's having to pick and choose which nights you can have late on the weeknights just in case you stupid neighbours decide at the last second to have a 24-hour party and keep everyone awake not only on Friday night but also on Saturday night as well - expecting you and everyone else to sleep when they do.
It's looking at everything set out at a party and knowing you can't touch any of the lollies just in case it all collides with your medications - and opting for water instead of the crazy-coloured soft-drinks, while people give you a weird look and you have to explain you can't drink 'that stuff because it's full of crap ingredients I can't have.'
It's not only these things, it's the physical things too - the after-seizure problems of absolutely no energy, the scars you have on your body, the cuts, bruises and sore joints and muscles which take an age to heal. It's the stay in hospital where you can't sleep because your brain is still zapping away and you're waking up before anyone wakes you up to check your blood pressure. And it's the brain fogginess of wondering how long it'll be before you'll back to normal again - only to have this electrical short circuit screw you over again.


Then, there's the doctor's appointments, the blood tests you have all your life - more than most people do - just to keep your levels in check. Some of the medications I take can't be checked, so the doctors have to get my liver and kidneys checked to make sure one of the medications isn't shutting them down without my knowledge. This is the creepy part of being on medications for the brain: it affects everything else in your body.
The seizures I used to take in my past will come back and bite me in the arse because in a few years, I'll have to get my heart looked at due to my heart muscle and aorta being at risk of being weakened as I age. My bones are likely to weaken faster too; so I'm on Calcium pills at night - have been since my mid-30's - to keep them strong for when I'm older and my body ages.

And that's not all.

Every year, I have to get my eyes tested for my driver's licence and have a medical certificate from my doctors to say that I'm cruising along just fine... this means more blood tests to say that everything I'm taking is stable and a-okay. Only then will the government renew my licence to drive a car. If anything is not reviewed every year, I'm not allowed to drive anywhere. 

So, please do help me bring to the forefront of the news and people's minds today this majorly overlooked medical condition. 

It's only for one day a year I ask you to talk about this subject... so please wear purple today. Talk about Epilepsy and you'll be surprised who you know who has it. For one thing: you know I have it. 

Keeping to Me

I've lived in the same unit complex for over 15 years now; and I've learned a lot of things about a place like this.

I don't like living in unit complexes and seeing how long I've been here, I don't want to be living in another one anytime soon after moving out of here - and really do you blame me? There's a car park next to my place, I hear everything going on in everyone's lives. I smell it when somebody is having a cigarette, or has burnt their meal over the back fence and I even hear them having conversations right at my back fence.

Oh, yeah, I really want to move back into one of these places.

Noise is a big factor as well. I've put up with so much around here that no matter how polite I've been I've always been told to 'go fuck yourself'... yeah, nice. It gets to a point where I just don't care and when people say that to me, I walk off, call the police and let them deal with them. And I don't have the problem in the head, those who think it's okay to curse and swear at me do. All I'm doing is trying to get a good nights' sleep. 

Over the past 2 years I haven't made any effort to make any new friends here - and do you really blame me? I keep to myself and declutter my home, do my grocery shopping, get in and fix up my garden, watch movies/tv series on dvd at night while I knit and drink my green tea. 

I lead a very quiet kinda life. 

But I never used to.

It used to be all drama for me here because I had nothing better for me to do around here.

Now I have a car, I don't want the drama or problems of everyone around me. I want them to leave me the hell alone. 

I'm not here to solve everyone's problems. I'm here to live my quiet life of an artist, a gardener, a writer and an op-shopper. 

I don't want to hear people partying from dusk until dawn. I don't want to hear the fights which cause the police to come out and arrest people. I don't want to be the one people ask all the questions because I've been here the longest (we do have a Body Corporate - look them up and find out what you need to, people). 

I live here. I'm a resident. I'm not here to solve problems and I'm not the caretaker. Cleaning up the drains before a storm is not my job, neither is it to clean up the damned garden outside my house (that's why it looks like a dump). 

I'm keeping to me because I'm doing what I want to here. I'm not a loud person. I'm not annoying anyone and I don't want anyone getting into my face anymore. I'm getting too old for the drama and the 'Neighbours'-like lifestyle people seem to think is normal in places like this; when they forget that 'Neighbours' is just a soap opera and would never happen in real life. 

Real life is what you make it. It's not supposed to be easy, it's not supposed to be difficult. It's supposed to be an ongoing journey of what you work on for yourself. Once you understand that you're a work in progress for your entire life, well, that's just the beginning of the work on yourself. It took me years to figure that out - and I'm still learning about keeping to me. 

And still, people don't get it.