Wednesday, June 20, 2018

Nineteen Years

It's been 19 years since I escaped an abusive relationship and the other side of Brisbane and came back home to my family. I was only with my ex-boyfriend for 9 months, but it was the longest 9 months of my life! 

He used to beat me, leaving bruises on my hands and arms. But when people started noticing them, he began to mentally abuse me - and believe me, that is so much worse because nobody sees those scars but you and your shrink. He also raped me when he'd get home after a really late night at work and I was in bed sleeping... which was horrendous, and I would never wish on any of my worst enemies.

He was what I call 'A Jekyll and Hyde' guy... yeah you know the one where you never know who you're gonna wake up with in the morning; or who's coming home to you at night after work. Is he going to be a nice guy to you or a complete arsehole and throw his dinner against the wall like a 3-year-old having a tantrum? Is he going to be romantic and bring home flowers and take you out to dinner and tell you to get all dressed up just for him? Will he let you go out with your friends, only to explode at you when you arrive home an hour later than you promised to? And when you do, he goes and destroys something you love... like your favourite cd or a shirt you've brought home from overseas or he flushes your medication down the toilet because he thinks you don't need it. Yep, this is a Jekyll and Hyde... not the person you want be around; and the type you're always walking on eggshells around.

The worst thing he did was get me pregnant, then when I miss-carried, he blamed me for it; calling me a 'cancer on society' - jeez, I'll never forget those words for as long as I live. I knew when he said that it was the beginning of the end of the relationship. But the end of it was when he cheated on me with a man... yes, you read right.

Not long after that, I fell apart on a friend over the phone and she ordered me to call my Dad and my family organised to get me out of that place at Auchenflower here in Brisbane, and back home where I belonged.

It's been 19 years since I lived that nightmare and now I've got my life on track. I'm stablised with my Epilepsy. I'm at art school and doing really well. I'm enjoying working in my garden and the best thing ever is that I'm now back driving a car! Yay! It's the best thing I've achieved ever!

Now, you're probably wondering why I'm writing about my abusive relationship here... well, it's because on Prince Ea's Facebook page, he put up a video about not allowing abusive relationships get too far before they destroy you. I put up a comment talking about my relationship with my ex-bf and it opened a can of worms on there with men and women talking openly about it all. There were women who were relieved they weren't going through this kind of thing alone, and one or two guys who wondered why I didn't leave after the first few times he treated me like crap. I've replied to them all, especially to the men about their queries of why I didn't leave after those first few times. 
It is difficult to understand why people don't leave abusive relationships and unless you've been in one, you'll never understand how much of a trap it can be. Sometimes both people are horrible to each other and don't change. Most times, it's only one person who has trapped the other one and they're treating the the quiet one horribly... and this should never happen. And you know, the people who become involved in abusive relationships are usually very strong people who see the good in everyone - yep that's somebody like me. 

The results from my last relationship is that it's spun my compass about people out of focus. Sometimes I can pick an idiot at 50 paces and other times I can't... but mostly I just can't trust people at all. I've been single for over a decade because I don't trust myself to be in a relationship. But then, when I've been the one in the relationship who has been honest and trusting, the other person has gone out and screwed somebody else. So, really how can I trust anyone when nobody wants an honest and trusting relationship with me? 

Now, when I see Jekyll and Hyde guys around, I just look at them up and down and wonder exactly how they go that way and walk in the other direction. It's not my circus, and not my monkeys... really... and not worth my time. My life and my time is worth so much more than that; and I know it. 

Still, I don't trust anyone - like I said - and after all this time, I think I've improved in a lot of ways. I no longer have nightmares about my ex-bf and I'm not scared of people anymore. I see life a lot differently now. It's all about improving myself, being myself and if people don't like who I am, they can go away. As for those Jekyll and Hyde people? Well, they've got serious social issue they really need to look into.

Tuesday, June 12, 2018

Chilly Start

It was a chilly start to the day; and I almost didn't get out of bed... almost! But at 7am, I pushed myself to get out and dressed so I could strip the bed and put on the first load of laundry, open up the curtains and let in the sunshine for the day.

Yes, it's been a while since I've posted and I must apologise for my laziness. I'm usually a lot more regular and it's due to my personal life taking a hit. Since my dear friend, Hannah, has been laid to rest, I've begun to see life a lot more different. I'm not going to leave things to sort themselves out. Life is going to be different.

This morning, after I finished two loads of laundry, I took photos around the small garden, I sorted out what needs to go and what plants need to be replace, repotted and how much potting mix will need to be purchased. I'll be also working on how the garden will look as well after around July/August. 

Anyway, the fridge was cleaned out and the rubbish was put out in the bin outside - and the hand washing was hung out on the clothes horse in the living room (as there was no room on the clothes line outside). In between all of this, I ate breakfast as well as sorted out what I needed to get done for the rest of the day - like what is needed to be done for dinner tonight and tomorrow night: a great vegetarian stew is to be done in the slow cooker this afternoon! 

I've still got laundry to put away, vacuuming to do, as well as dusting, the bathroom and both toilets to clean and all my shoes to put away too and then there's some things to sort out as well around the house to make it come back to what it looked like a few months back - tidier and better than it does now. 

Other than this, I'm concentrating on the series of paintings I'm doing at art school of Brunswick Heads; and I'm up to my 4th one! They're looking great, as I am starting to paint faster and see where I went wrong last year when I started working with oils. 

Well, that's all for now. I have other things to get going in my life; and they will take time to prepare and organise. Until they come around, I hope to keep myself from falling back on old habits and stopping like I have recently done. I don't think Hannah would want me to do that... she's want me to keep going and be bold, just like she was, and do better than I can possibly do - with every year being a better achievement than that last. Until my next post, take care, stay safe and remember, I'm always here.

Tuesday, June 5, 2018

Vintage Clothing Day

Today is the first annual event of Vintage Clothing Day. I've created this event to honour my dear, sweet friend, Hannah Northedge, who committed suicide early last month. 

Hannah was right into the vintage era, clothes and lifestyle and so I thought to create an annual event in her memory 'Vintage Clothing Day' and it's today, 5th, June, as it's today she is being laid to rest in the UK. Unfortunately, I'm unable to make it to her service - and this includes a lot of people across the world who knew Hannah in every way. 

Some of us knew her from school, and throughout her life. While others knew her as a teacher, as they were students who took singing lessons from her - and they knew her for only a short time. However, she had this affect on everyone around her, something which was contagious in the way she carried herself.

She must have been in a lot of pain - physical or mental, or both - to have thrown herself off a cliff (the most horrible way to go) and not tell anyone where she was going. None of us, her friends, knew where she was. As far as I knew, she was in London. 
I knew she wasn't well, and I also knew she was begging for any medical help available and getting nowhere with the hospitals and doctors. The NHS and the medical professionals failed my dear friend; and this is horrendous. 

This is what 'Vintage Clothing Day' is all about. It's a day where you wear your best old clothes to show you have lost somebody in your life - to remember them, that they're not of the past or forgotten - to suicide. Sometimes, the causes to suicide isn't diagnosed properly or easily; and when the causes have gone on too long and the person takes their own life, it's too late.

It's the people left behind who are hurt and who are damaged, who are wondering what else they could have done to help - when really they couldn't have done anything more, and it was the what the doctors should have done which would have helped save that person; or in the very least got them talking.

So, do you think 'Vintage Clothing Day' is a good idea? I think so. It commemorates the passing of my dear friend, who should have had the help and assistance from the doctors who she asked to help her, and they didn't give her enough help, just gave her pills... they didn't see the other problems disguised as everyday habits, they didn't recognise the problems she was having with everything in her life. 

And you know, I don't think any of us saw any of the problems until it was far too late either. In a lot of ways I blame myself for not seeing what was wrong with her... but it's too late now, and this is how I'm hoping to help others in the future - as well as myself - and keep this an annual event. 

Even if it doesn't take off as an event across the world, I'll be doing it next year again to keep Hannah's memory alive.