It's Been A While...

I thought to pop in and let you know I'm going okay, really. I've been reading, painting, writing and watching the garden come into itself.

I have also totally enjoyed my first few sessions of the Tuesday Social Classes at the Logan Artists Association. There's no big egos there and the people are lovely. We hang out, paint, talk, laugh and then eat lunch and shoot the breeze.

Yep, we're all just people on planet Earth - that's it.

I do have my bad days where I hear a song, see something online or just think about my dear friend and I still fall apart - but that's what grieving is about; dealing with it all. But I'm through the denial stage, which is one of the hardest parts of it. 

I've been sorting through my stuff lately... throwing out and giving away things again and getting back into making things for my family for Christmas. Now, I have my niece and my Sister In Law covered... the people I don't have covered is my brother, and my parents. How weird is that? Looks like I'll have to go op-shopping and see what I can find for them, right? 

But the garden is going so well! I'm still battling the mystery of the pooping local cat (yeah, it's still using every pot around the place as a kitty litter - talk about yuk!) and I'm spreading curry powder around to make it sneeze and run. Gotta get cayenne peppers to really make that cat go... burning its nose. Worked last time.

Well, that's my news today and for now... until my next post, take care, stay safe and remember, I'm always here.

Depression

I've been acting... making out things are fine, when they're not - and it's all caught up with me.

This is a bad thing to do.

Yesterday, my mind caught up with me and I mentally fell down and couldn't get up. 

It's only been 6 months since my childhood friend took her own life; and I hid from my grief. I hid in my garden and renovated the crap out of it... and when I ran out of money and the weather got too hot, when I had to stop and look around,when I couldn't hide in the garden anymore, I ... fell down.

I had to take in reality.

I haven't written anything to do my fictional worlds which is more than 2,000 words since May of this year. I can barely get out a poem - not even a sonnet or a ballad - and yet reading has become an alien planet to me. I walk into my home library and I just want to throw out all of my books and have an empty room.

But I know it's not me who is really thinking that. It's grief. It's depression. It's that horrible nagging voice in the back of my mind telling me that I could have saved her - it's name is Guilt. 

I couldn't have saved Hannah. 

If I flew to the UK and tried to help her, what else would I have done? Been shattered over there, as much as I am here, that's what.

National Novel Writing Month is coming up in a week or two and I'm hoping to push through my inability to work and make myself write 50,000 words. I have to get myself through this drought of words and get back into my fictional worlds again... I miss the characters, the way it all works, my fun trips there and back.

Depression has many faces - and reality can make it crush your world. Mine has been crushed after so many months hiding from it; and now, I need time to work on how to live without my dear friend.

Rain

Over the past week, it's been raining a lot... and we really do need it! But after the first 48 hours, I really became bored with it all.

My lawn grew 10cm in what seemed overnight, and I found I could only do laundry in small lots - because I only have the clothes horse to use to dry my clothes. Yep, the rain is starting to interfere with my life.

But I've been looking at what paintings can be done next; writing down the titles of them in a book I've got sitting in my living room; and making sure it all sorted out for the next few months. I'm really looking forward to making my exhibition of works about Brunswick Heads really worthwhile. 

NaNoWriMo is coming up in the next few weeks, and I have to clean up the home office and put away anything I'm not currently using around the place. This means, making the place messy before it gets tidy again... which isn't a bad thing, so long I follow through. And in this dreary weather, I find that kind of hard to do.
Well, I'm also cleaning up the living room so I can chill out in between the time I'm writing and anything else I need to get done in the house during November. I won't be much of a social butterfly - not that I'm one now - and I'm hoping to work on my next book easily, now I have done some research and have my books near me too.

The good thing is that I'm not worried over the garden anymore. Yeah I was concerned that it wasn't going to grow much because we weren't getting any rain. But now, we've got so much rain, it's all growing so fast! I'm pleased with how it's going, and now we just need some sunshine to make the photosynthesis to work properly - yep, the circle of life to work out! And the best thing is that my first crop of Black Cherry Tomatoes have been harvested today.

Over the next week or two, I'll be cooking up large batches of food and freezing meal-sized containers of them. This is so next month, I can just defrost one and not be worried about cooking something when I've been writing for a good part of the day next month. It'll be good to have it all on hand and ready to eat.

Otherwise, I'm hoping to get myself a new stylus for my turntable soon. It's going to work out in the next week or so, hopefully. I can't wait to get back in and play vinyls again as I really do miss playing them. The radio isn't much fun - there's way too many adverts on it. Until my next post, take care, stay safe and remember, I'm always here.

My 45th Birthday!

Woah! I'm 45... jeez, I never thought I'd make it to this age - dunno why, I just didn't. I think it was because when you're 10 years old, being 45 is such a long way into the future, you can't see yourself as that age.

Oh well. I'm here now.

And being this age isn't that bad. 

So far, I've had my art teacher dump me from his class because of his own mental problems - which is totally all him, not me. And believe me, I'm more than happy to bugger off out of his class - I don't care. Couldn't afford to stay in his class anyway.

I've almost completed my Little Garden Facelift - and finally bought myself a Tahitian Lime Tree for the garden! It's a grafted one and will be putting out fruit by Summer - or late in the season - and I'll have so much fruit it'll be something I'll be giving away to people.

And well, I've had a good look around my house and thought 'holy crap, I have so much junk I really need to get rid of it all!' and really I do!

But I had a great birthday. 

I went out to the Hyperdome and spent the day spending my store vouchers from the places I'm a member of... like Ishka (a Turkish store I love) and I bought a journal and 3 pairs of cool socks. They were having a 50% off sale and I used my 10% off for my birthday there too. 
Then I spoiled myself and bought Season 13 of 'Supernatural' - my all-time favourite show on television! It's a great show and I've not missed a single episode since it started in 2005... now that's something, right? I had lunch at Gloria Jeans and scored my free coffee and only had to pay for my vegetarian quiche. 
And then I thought to pop into Riot Art to see if Vanda (an arty friend of mine from the Logan Artists Association) was there. And yes she was! We caught up and had a great chat! 

Before long, it was time for me to go home. I had been at the Hyperdome for almost 3 hours and I had done everything I wanted to do... and I wanted to go and get in some op-shopping and check the mail before anything before going home. 
I arrived at the Slacks Creek Vinnies and found some lovely things for under $15 and then went off and checked the mail and found a huge parcel from my Bookcrossing Birthday Buddy waiting for me! Well... it was time to take off home and unpack everything, wash the socks I had bought and make sure I had the phone on speaker when I called Mum.
You see, when I unpack my Birthday parcel every year from my Bookcrossing Birthday Buddy, I always call Mum and share the experience with her over the phone. It's funny I do this, but she loves it when I do this on my birthday! Well, I received so many things this year from my wonderful Birthday Buddy, Wendy!

Well, that night, my parents took me out to a place on Logan Road called 'Limon'. It's a Turkish restaurant I'd never been to before, but I've driven past hundreds of times. Well, as we sat down, Aunty Helen showed up! She gave me a lovely present and joined us for dinner! It was a great night out of wonderful food, laughs and company! 
I ordered the Fish Tagine - of Barramundi and a side dish of herb rice - absolutely delicious! We had a dessert choice too! I chose the Chocolate Mud Cake and it came out on a large platter with 'Happy Birthday love Limon' in chocolate icing on it and a candle in the ice cream! What a way to celebrate my day! And the cake was so rich I didn't need a cake, just that one slice, which had been heated up and turned warmed and gooey... ooh yummo!

By the time we waddled out of the place, we didn't want to eat anything else, just head back to my parents' house and have a cup of tea. I was exhausted and happy to just sit back and listen to good conversation. 

I arrived home at around 9pm Friday night and felt wide awake but still very tired... if you know what I mean... and I jumped online to find so many of my dear friends had wished me a Happy Birthday! It's been a few days now, and I'm still getting the belated ones showing up - so great to hear from friends on there. I love them all! 

So, another year is gone, and a new one is beginning... I'm looking forward to the new things and happenings which are going to be coming up for the next year. I'll be working on new art, my new garden, new paintings, new exhibitions, driving new places, taking more photographs to get in more work done... and learning more from other artists I've made friends with. Yep, when one door closes, another one opens - no matter where you are in your life or how weird the circumstances are in how it happens. For me, it's another step forwards to get my work exhibited and worked on in my own style. And it all started on my Birthday... not a bad thing, right? Yep... the glass is - and will always be - half-full.

Out with The Old...

It was that kinda month this month - but in a slow kinda way. I had to wait for things to finish, and wait for things to start as well... and in a strange way, it was interesting to just sit back watch it all happen.

I had to wait for my last markets to come and go - and I walked away with over $70 on that lovely day - and within the next week, I could afford to buy my birthday gift to myself: two sets of Stratco shelving units for my art gear. Dad helped me put it together; I'm thankful he did, because it was fiddly in a lot of ways. He told me it won't fit, and didn't by around 10cm, but I found that little bit of give was good for me because when I charge up my tablet or phone, I can slot them into the lower bookshelves out of the way when I'm eating dinner or clearing the table. Not a bad idea, right? 
Well, all my art books fit into one bookcase, along with a container with my wrapping paper and the stone from my oven. Then on the other one is my esky/cooler (which was sitting in front of my oven for years and getting in the way) and other things which weren't working out where they were. I also have a space for my food processor (so I can use it more) and a container for my laundry detergents as well. It's created so much more storage and more space around the place. 

The garden is flourishing! There's the Camellia looking wonderful as it starts putting out new leaves as it'll flower this Summer. And then, there's the Garlic which I'm looking forward to harvesting next year. Then my Frangipanis all put out leaves in the past week! Also, my Ficus is growing too! The Agapanthus is all sitting up straighter and looking like it's going to put out stems for their flowers soon. Yep, it's all full steam ahead for another great Summer in my garden. 

Vanessa and Matt moved into their new place and I helped them clean the place next door. Then, within about a week or so, I got new neighbours of two young girls who are straight out of home. They're just starting out; and one's a karate instructor and the other is a uni student. They don't have much but they're doing well. 
Over the past few weeks, I've had a few things to donate at charity, so I thought to clean up those things and give them to my neighbours. They've been very grateful. I know what it's like to not have much when you first move out.

I've begun on my Christmas list and looking at what everyone will need this year.  So far, I've begun knitting a scarf and am looking around at what my Birthday Buddy is getting... which is a great fun thing which she can keep and enjoy and reuse as well. I'm looking forward to seeing what she sends me. We have so much fun with our exchanges every year... and to think it started off as a once-off thing on Bookcrossing and turned into a fun thing for us two. 

Anyway, this month has been busy, exciting, interesting and fun. I've done an art demonstration and am excited about starting new work. I'm looking at writing a new book. I'm currently reading - and really getting into - the fourth book of 'The Dark Tower' series. And I'm finding life is slowly turning around for me. It's taking time, but it's starting to look good again. Until my next post, take care, stay safe and remember, I'm always here.

A More Positive

It's been a while since I last wrote. But I've been going through a dark phase; and didn't want to depress you all. 

The garden is looking great; and I'm adding new little succulents which I got from a friend of mine last week. I'm also saving up for my birthday present of 2 shelving units from Stratco to put all my art and craft stuff into from the markets. This will give me more room to move - and an extra box to use for storage. The Crafty Pegs items I didn't sell on Saturday will be taken to my old craft group and they can sell them off to have the money given to the community centre. I just can't be bothered working out Gumtree where people want things for nothing... it's not worth my trouble. 

I'm cleaning out the unit again, and I started on Saturday night, where I cleaned up a piece of furniture and gave it to my new neighbours. They love it! There's going to be the skinny bookcase too; which I'll give to them as well. I won't be needing it anymore, and I scored that for nothing. So, why not pass it on while it's still in good condition?

Well, I'll be cleaning out my art gear and handing it onto people who want it, and getting rid of canvases I don't want as well... while getting ones I want to use for my next exhibition. It's going to be a big clean up, and it's going to be all worth the mess to start with. By November, my place will be tidier and better and easier to use and store things in. 

I'm looking forward to the next month of sorting out and I'm more eager about working on the place because I have a goal about how things are going to be. Just like the garden, my house needs a big tidy-up, bigger than it needed before. This will mean I'll be letting go of big things which I had in the place for a long time. And seeing a part of my Crafty Pegs hobby business is being let go of, doesn't mean it's going away, I'm just taking it into another direction... a great one.

My life is going into another direction as well. 

Since Hannah's passing, I've been in mourning and hit a kind of bottom. Some of my friends and family probably didn't see it, but I haven't been doing so well emotionally. I've had a huge case of writer's block and haven't been able to write anything to call substantial since May or June. 

But I'm getting my writing mojo back and I'm beginning to sleep better (yeah, I wasn't sleeping all that well). I've begun to look after myself, eating better and going to the gym, and I'm beginning to see things in a different light. I do miss my wonderful friend greatly, however, she was in pain. 

This past weekend was the first time I really enjoyed the whole weekend right through. I attended the funeral of a family member and didn't say much to many people - which was something only a few people noticed. 

And on the Saturday, I was up before dawn and attended my very last markets ever; totally enjoying my day. I forgot to bring my coffee and sugar and laughed at myself about it. It was a great, beautiful day to sit back and sell some goods to people. 

Then, on Sunday, I drove to the fruit market and took my time getting home - something I never do. It was the first time I really looked up and around in months to see it was truly a beautiful Spring day... that I had completely missed out on Winter and had pretty much ignored the world for so long. 

I spent my time split between sorting through my crap in the art area and sitting out in my newly-renovated garden that day, watching it - admiring it - and enjoying the beauty of that day. I had missed out on the past few months, somehow closing myself off from everyone and everything. 

Today, I went to art class and my teacher, Aaron, even noticed my attitude and my mood is different from the past months. He asked me if I'm okay... I smiled, 'Yeah, I'm better than I have been in a while.' And you know, I don't know what's happened lately. But I think it's because I've allowed myself to mourn and grieve properly that I can be happy with myself now. I'm hoping to move onto a new painting next week. I'm looking forward to cleaning up and cleaning out the living room and kitchen area so I can have my house tidier than it's ever been before. I'm hoping to be more positive than I have been in months. What are you hoping for? Until my next post, take care, stay safe and remember, I'm always here.

Another Year Here

My 8am alarm woke me this morning, and I found there was the lovely, sound of rain on the roof. I didn't want to get out bed because I was so comfortable - and the rain was so calming, and it was 8th, September. 

This date may not mean much to you guys, okay a birthday, anniversary or the date of when somebody passed away maybe, but for me, today is the day - to the date - that I moved out of my folks' house and into a place of my own, on my own sixteen years ago. 

It was daunting, scary and weird... and I didn't have much in the way of possessions, just a folding chair, a plastic box, a bookcase and a little black television set (which my brother lovingly called 'the porthole' due to its size). The room with the most furnishings was my bedroom and the kitchen didn't have much either - thank goodness I had a Glory Box with items in it for when I either moved out or got married. 

But the first two years were the hardest for me. I was scared, nervous, intimidated by everyone, and not knowing how to be friends with anyone. I didn't want to get involved with my neighbours, but somehow did and regretted doing so. 
And over time, I eventually made up my own mind over who to be friends with, who to talk to, what I wanted to do, where I wanted to go, who to have at my place and who not to invite over. It was all a matter of not trusting anyone but myself. Sounds harsh but it's true.

The older I got, the less I trusted people, the more next door neighbours who came and went. Some of them stuck around for a few years, while others were gone in a blink of an eye; and then there were others still who were evicted and then there were the ones who could smell the eviction notice coming and vanished into the ether.
I have seen all kinds of things happen around here and have often talked with the police, who have become harder to talk to as their jobs have become more difficult to do. At times, I've found myself hiding from the noises around the place in the middle of the night, instead of being in my comfy bed with all my lights off wondering if it stop - while most nights I've slept the night through and we haven't been bothered by anything. 

Every couple of years, I've changed something about my townhouse - be it the garden or the interior - and it's looked and felt different each time. In the past few years, I've made a big change to the furnishings, giving it a 70's theme and it's really gone well! I love the feel it gives off and enjoy the warmth of the browns and earth tones... and yet, there's the modern technology mixed into it as well. 
This year, I changed up the back garden completely renovating it over the past 3 months; and it's going really well! Just as I've put down grass seed, it's begun to rain and the sun has started to shine into the back garden in the afternoons, thus it'll all started to become lush and green again. 

Yes, sixteen years in one place has made my little townhouse look not so different from the outside, but feel like a castle on the inside. And that's the thing: your house is your home and your castle. No matter where you lay your hat, you make your place feel the way you want it to. I've seen the inside of many townhouses here at the unit complex, and there's not much going for them inside; simply because the people aren't putting in the effort. 

I started out with nothing in my house... and now it's built into a place I look forward to coming home to. I enjoy being at home on the weekends. I love sitting out in my back garden at any time of the day or night. Once the doors are closed and the curtains are drawn, the outside world not longer exists and I'm in my own world - and that's what a home is supposed to make you feel like. And when I move from here, and take my things with me, I'll be able to do the exact same thing with my belongings to the next place I live in for however long I'm there for. 

Where Do I Start?

Well, so much has gone on this month, and in the past few days that I'm not sure where to start. At the beginning is a good place I guess.

My Little Garden Facelift has come forward in leaps in bounds since I installed the greenhouse; and the things I've been growing in it - and want to grow in it - are great! I've got a flourishing black cherry tomato vine in there and some herbs I'm using all the time. I want to get in a good salad tomato for this Summer - one which isn't acidic (as these things often make me feel sick in the guts from the acid in them) and seeing I'm growing basil, I'll look into growing more than I have now. 
Then, I put down 4 big bags of cheap potting mix on my big dip in the lawn. It just wasn't working out properly and I had to level out the ground before putting down new lawn seed again. I have done that but the seed came up too fine and I found I had to get better seed - which I did, and now it's a waiting game.

Over the month of August, I've been working on shutting down 'Crafty Pegs'... but not in the way people think. Every time I've said I'm closing it down, I'd gotten the look of horror from my friends. I'm attending a market to get rid of excess stock and I'll be working on a commision; so people can order things from me and I can make them as they're ordered. It's easier for me and I'll have more room in my house too! 

Well, it's also been a great month for me to work on not only my house, but also myself. I joined a gym at the beginning of August - and stuck with it - but I'm continuing on with my membership for the next 6 months! I'm feeling wonderful, working out twice a week and enjoying the difference in how the gym is making me feel. 

I did a little op-shopping, cracked my pinky toe on my right foot (and it's still recovering) and then before that I decided to get myself a new toiletries bag from Priceline - and it had to be purple, didn't it? Yep, it did. And it looks just lovely! I'm so happy I bought it! 
And then, my brother and his family were by Mum and Dad's house one Sunday night and I came by too... Ellie, their dog, was there too for a few days and she was just lovely to hang out with and pat. I'm looking at the photos from Project 365 and I had a big month last month; and well, this month started off big too.

We lost two family members - one of them was a lovely lady who had been in our lives for such a long time, I do think it's going to take a long time for us to grieve. Oma, Aunty Helen's step-Mother-In-Law, passed away on Sunday - Father's Day here in Australia - aged 99. What an age to reach, and such a day to leave us so suddenly as well. She fell ill that morning and was gone before the sun set. 

The next day, I found out that my Dad's cousin from up north passed away on Father's Day as well. I didn't know his cousin well, but she wasn't well for a long time with Breast Cancer; and she was around Dad's age. 

So sad over the past few days. I'm only hoping the next month picks up for us all in my family. Until my next post, take care, stay safe and remember, I'm always here.

A Busy Month!

It's been a busy month; and I haven't been in here as much as I thought I'd be. But I got a lot of things done.

The garden is coming to the end of its huge, pricey and fun facelift - now all I need to do is grow a nice new, lush lawn and get the literary characters and art theme going and I'll have the garden I've been wanting for a few years. That will take a little time, hard work and funny times with Dad... I do have the paint, just don't have the know-how.

At the beginning of the month, I joined the local, Logan City Council-run gym. Well, okay, I did a trial run of it, got assessed by the trainer there and she has set me up with a great program to get me fighting fit by Summer - and I do enjoy going. It not only gets me out of the house in the mornings, but it's making look at what foods I'm eating and I'm sleeping so much better at night too! And my stress levels are lowering too.

Then, my decluttering is working out as well! I sorted out a huge lot of crap from the home office, and tossed out 3 rubbish bags of paper, shredded a whole lot of stuff at Mum and Dad's place and sorted out what was shredable and what wasn't there too! Strangely enough, putting stuff through a shredding is kinda soothing - I know that sounds weird, but it does! 

Anyway, I'm knitting away some more dish cloths - as people online are enjoying the fact they're so pretty and I've sold some in the past month too! So, I thought it'd be a good idea to keep going with them... after all, they're cotton, and they'll break down in landfill. 

So, that's my month. We here at the unit complex have had some ups and downs. There's been an ice addict who caused a lot of people to move out, and then he's moving out. My next door neighbours are moving out next week - and going to miss them terribly; as Vanessa and Matt have become such great friends to me. I hope to not lose contact with them; no matter where they live. But isn't that always the way? You find a great set of neighbours and they move too soon... oh well, can't have your cake and eat it too. Until my next post, take care, stay safe and remember, I'm always here.

Spring Cleaning

It's August and it's time for the big Spring Clean! Just like last year, I've gotten in and started cleaning out the bigger things in the house - you know, the mattress of my bed, and tossing out some things in my house I've been walking past and ignoring.

However, this year, there's a big difference in my life. I've been going to a great gym - and loving it - and I'm looking around at making the house less cluttered in the huge sense of the word. It's gotta be more useful, better cared for and I have to be able to lay my hands on everything I want to use. 

And so, starting in the backyard, I cleaned up out there, got myself a greenhouse, replaced the batteries in the solar lights and reseeded the lawn. Now, it's a matter of making the art side of the garden look and feel better and more beautiful. 

I'm saving up money for a shelving unit in the house so I can get in and use it for my art gear; and other items from around the house - like the esky I have in my kitchen and the food processor which is hiding in the cupboard so I can get around to using it! - and then I'll be able to house my art books more effectively as well. 

Just the other night, I decluttered the living room because I couldn't stand to look at the crap around the place any longer... by 11pm, I had thrown out big bag of rubbish which had been sitting around the place. And seeing I've gotten into that, I'm looking into making sure I do get that shelving unit for myself as a birthday gift. I'll be giving away the skinny little bookcase to family once I've cleaned it up and made sure it's okay to travel. 

But that's the thing. I'm going to make sure the house is nice; and the place has the things in it so I can get to them, they're useful and only of use to me. I'm not going to hang onto anymore shit anymore. If I don't use it in a year, it's either going in the bin or being donated. 

Yeah, it's going to be a one hell of a Spring Clean for me. Well, what are you up to for your Spring Clean? Do you do a Spring Clean every year? Today, I've gotten in and cleaned the sheets, the mattress protector and pillow protectors and then, cleaned the mattress itself... big jobs to get done, but they needed to get done - and the mattress is done twice a year. Until my next post, take care, stay safe and remember, I'm always here.