Fears In Our Lives

I've just been on Facebook, cruising around looking at some groups I'm a member of and found that people get really angry at the smallest things - like for example if I have an actual opinion of my own.

Yes, Lord forbid I have a real opinion about something which isn't of anyone else's.

In one group, somebody took a photograph of a spider and uploaded it onto the group discussion and asked what kind of spider it was. I said that I wouldn't care, and to kill it. Well, the backlash that came from that comment was huge... people asking me why, and how horrible I was! They didn't think twice in putting up piles of those stupid angry faces. Instead, why didn't they ask me: 'Oh... are you scared of spiders. Sorry about that - of course you'd say to kill it.' 

And this is another thing: why is it that one person's fear is something hilariously funny to another? 

Okay, I'm terrified of spiders ... and I mean I'll kill the smallest one around just in case it disappears around the house somewhere and grows into something I don't like. Yeah my mind plays games like that. I'll kill it before it does anything - even if it's been hanging about in the corner and it's only the size of a penny and won't hurt anyone, I'll still kill it.

I'm also terrified of clowns - those hateful, grease-paint-covered people in big floppy shoes and wigs with the cotton gloves! You won't see me screaming or anything, I just go really quiet and start backing away slowly, staring at them. I don't like them at all - not since I was seven years old and I went to a circus and one thought to 'entertain' me. In reality it freaked me right out! 

Another fear I've got is needles. You know when you go to get a blood test, and you can just walk in and get it done? Yeah, well, it takes me days to work up the courage to actually walk into a place like that and get a blood test done - sometimes I just don't get it done because I'm so scared of those stupid things. And it's because I had been getting blood tests since I was 2 years old every 3 months until I was around 9 years old... not a big thing to be scared of really; not until you have to be an adult about it - like I had to be last week when the doctors had to put me to sleep in a hospital and the guy knew I didn't like needles and hid it from me (great person to do that).

But when I was in high school, they did the T.B test (which was a stamp the year before) and I had to have half the staff sit on me and somebody hold down my arm - and this was after 3 1/2 hours of them trying to talk me into it. When they finally did get the needle near me, the nurse told the principal, 'Next year, go back to the stamp - you won't have somebody like her in the mix, and it'll be so much faster.' And the following year, they did.

So, why is it that we as a Human Race make fun of another person's fears, thinking it's something small? I don't understand it - and never will. I don't make fun of another's fears simply because I have my own fears which people think are stupid. 
The reason for us doing this is because deep down inside we don't want to be seen as sensitive to another's feelings and seeing them as a person with their own fears - and therefore have our friends think we're not going to think the same way at them. Yes, we fear rejection from our own tribe if we don't make fun of the people we do make fun of; instead of breaking away from them and thinking for ourselves.

Isn't it so true that our fear of not being ourselves in this world is also how we filter our lives on Facebook and on the internet? I don't filter myself online or offline... and if people don't like me for who I am, well, that's tough. I'm not changing myself for them - and it looks like they're not going to be part of my life... right? 

Fears - it holds us back, makes us tougher, causes weakness in some and then keeps us in check as well. But if we didn't have them, we wouldn't be human either. 

Weekend Work

It may seem as though I'm not posting much here, but I've been busy offline. There's a lot going on in my life that I haven't written down here - but I have done in my offline journal. 

And I have to apologise for that. You see, some of the things are a little too personal to put up here for the public to see.

But over the past week, I've been getting as much housework done as possible; and it's good to get in and actually see it done. All the laundry is finally finished up - and tomorrow I'll be putting all the laundry away in its proper place, putting away any art/craft boxes I don't need in the wardrobes and washing the floors and vacuuming everywhere.

Yep, it's going to be a busy day - I might even get in and wash the car; I'm not sure yet.

The backyard is looking pretty good after being mowed twice this week and all the weeds pulled out as much as possible - and that was after I did some serious work on it a few weeks ago.

I have been in planning mode for this one-day visit to a hospital for the past two weeks. In my last shopping trip, I made sure I had enough bread and frozen goods to see me through not only last week, but this week as well. I also made sure I had plenty of other dry goods in the pantry to see me through the next couple of weeks... and so when I have to go shopping next week with Mum, I'm not pushing myself too hard; and I'm not stressed out. 

This is something I try to do with big things like this... plan ahead - and I'm really good at planning for things like this too, I've found.

So far, I've gotten all my bills paid, my rego of my car paid, the insurance paid and next week sometime, I'll be paying my RACQ as well... yep, it'll all be good! Now, I hope my phone bill gets paid properly; and I'll be able to happily say that my planning for the first half of this year has fallen into line. If not, well, that's something I'll have to work on.

Anyway, my work this weekend isn't finished; and I'm not worried about how much work is left - I'm only worried about how to get it done. Time isn't a factor when you've got your mind on a deadline - and my deadline is Sunday night; because, well, Monday night is my night for 'Supernatural'... I'm not letting that slip by. Until my next post, take care, stay safe and remember I'm always here.

Been Busy

It's been a while since my last post, and it's because I've been busily working away on paintings and decluttering - well, okay, not so much decluttering but collecting from charity stores - and hanging out with my friend Tutasi. She's heading home to the USA earlier than expected; so I'm hanging out with her more over the next few days as I don't know when I'll see her again.

Anyway, today, I got in and did three loads of laundry and it's all outside on the line. The garden has been mowed, weeded and cleaned up over the past week or so. And I have to get either new batteries for the lights out in the garden - or new lights. I'll see if I can get new batteries first and if I can't, new lights it is!

I'm looking at cleaning out the kitchen and living room again and donating what I don't need anymore - yep it's time for another major declutter and donation before I buy anything else. But I've been buying some clothes for Winter and getting in and buying some bangles. 

Otherwise, I'm onto my 3 painting of Brunswick Heads at the Logan Artists Association and my 2nd one for this year. The first one this year will be going to the Member's Exhibition next week and I'll be hoping to sell it - now that'd be great! I can't wait if I do. 
I'm also knitting away at night for myself. I'm making my own throw for my bed. It's taking shape really well and I can't wait to pull it together in the next year or so. 

Now Autumn has been showing itself more, I'm looking at what I enjoy wearing more and the nights are cooler - thank goodness. The pedestal fan has been put away and I'm sleeping better; Summer really isn't a great season for people like me, people who can't handle the heat. But as the year moves on, I'll be working on bettering the way my place looks, the way the garden looks and the way everything fits in my place. This is going to be a really creative year for me in every aspect of my life. Until my next post, take care, stay safe and remember, I'm always here. 

Purple Day

Today is Purple Day - the day to bring to the fore and into the public eye the attention of Epilepsy. This is an uncomfortable and very confronting medical condition that nobody wants to talk about or think about because it's not pretty, it's not a behind-closed-doors kinda thing.

No, Epilepsy is a brain condition which affects not only the person who is suffering from it, but their family and friends. This brain condition - and it's also a disease - is something I've been born with and have recently found out that it's genetic in my body. 

Man, did I feel like I was cursed!

But the doctors told me that it would take time to get myself well - time and patience. I had all the time in the world; but patience? Well, I wanted to do so much!

We have been to Melbourne and back, where I overdosed by accident. I've been in and out of so many hospitals and lost track of how many medications I've been on... and now so many years later, I'm eating a healthy vegetarian diet, don't drink alcohol, don't smoke (anything) and yet, still find it difficult to get to sleep at night. 


I have accomplished a few things I've always wanted. I'm living on my own now, and own a car as well. I've learned to cook, take care of myself and my home and learned to keep plants alive too. And these are things which are wonderful to accomplish in life - and they may be small to some people, but for me, they're majorly huge.

But today, I want to step forward and tell people about my condition/disease as it's not all what you see in the movies. It's nerve-racking, it's tiring and feeling like you're not in complete control of your life or anything you do - ever. 
It's not able to sleep in until 10am, all because you have to be up by 7am to eat with your medication or it'll burn a whopping big hole in your stomach and it hurts like hell.
It's having to pick and choose which nights you can have late on the weeknights just in case you stupid neighbours decide at the last second to have a 24-hour party and keep everyone awake not only on Friday night but also on Saturday night as well - expecting you and everyone else to sleep when they do.
It's looking at everything set out at a party and knowing you can't touch any of the lollies just in case it all collides with your medications - and opting for water instead of the crazy-coloured soft-drinks, while people give you a weird look and you have to explain you can't drink 'that stuff because it's full of crap ingredients I can't have.'
It's not only these things, it's the physical things too - the after-seizure problems of absolutely no energy, the scars you have on your body, the cuts, bruises and sore joints and muscles which take an age to heal. It's the stay in hospital where you can't sleep because your brain is still zapping away and you're waking up before anyone wakes you up to check your blood pressure. And it's the brain fogginess of wondering how long it'll be before you'll back to normal again - only to have this electrical short circuit screw you over again.


Then, there's the doctor's appointments, the blood tests you have all your life - more than most people do - just to keep your levels in check. Some of the medications I take can't be checked, so the doctors have to get my liver and kidneys checked to make sure one of the medications isn't shutting them down without my knowledge. This is the creepy part of being on medications for the brain: it affects everything else in your body.
The seizures I used to take in my past will come back and bite me in the arse because in a few years, I'll have to get my heart looked at due to my heart muscle and aorta being at risk of being weakened as I age. My bones are likely to weaken faster too; so I'm on Calcium pills at night - have been since my mid-30's - to keep them strong for when I'm older and my body ages.

And that's not all.

Every year, I have to get my eyes tested for my driver's licence and have a medical certificate from my doctors to say that I'm cruising along just fine... this means more blood tests to say that everything I'm taking is stable and a-okay. Only then will the government renew my licence to drive a car. If anything is not reviewed every year, I'm not allowed to drive anywhere. 

So, please do help me bring to the forefront of the news and people's minds today this majorly overlooked medical condition. 

It's only for one day a year I ask you to talk about this subject... so please wear purple today. Talk about Epilepsy and you'll be surprised who you know who has it. For one thing: you know I have it. 

Keeping to Me

I've lived in the same unit complex for over 15 years now; and I've learned a lot of things about a place like this.

I don't like living in unit complexes and seeing how long I've been here, I don't want to be living in another one anytime soon after moving out of here - and really do you blame me? There's a car park next to my place, I hear everything going on in everyone's lives. I smell it when somebody is having a cigarette, or has burnt their meal over the back fence and I even hear them having conversations right at my back fence.

Oh, yeah, I really want to move back into one of these places.

Noise is a big factor as well. I've put up with so much around here that no matter how polite I've been I've always been told to 'go fuck yourself'... yeah, nice. It gets to a point where I just don't care and when people say that to me, I walk off, call the police and let them deal with them. And I don't have the problem in the head, those who think it's okay to curse and swear at me do. All I'm doing is trying to get a good nights' sleep. 

Over the past 2 years I haven't made any effort to make any new friends here - and do you really blame me? I keep to myself and declutter my home, do my grocery shopping, get in and fix up my garden, watch movies/tv series on dvd at night while I knit and drink my green tea. 

I lead a very quiet kinda life. 

But I never used to.

It used to be all drama for me here because I had nothing better for me to do around here.

Now I have a car, I don't want the drama or problems of everyone around me. I want them to leave me the hell alone. 

I'm not here to solve everyone's problems. I'm here to live my quiet life of an artist, a gardener, a writer and an op-shopper. 

I don't want to hear people partying from dusk until dawn. I don't want to hear the fights which cause the police to come out and arrest people. I don't want to be the one people ask all the questions because I've been here the longest (we do have a Body Corporate - look them up and find out what you need to, people). 

I live here. I'm a resident. I'm not here to solve problems and I'm not the caretaker. Cleaning up the drains before a storm is not my job, neither is it to clean up the damned garden outside my house (that's why it looks like a dump). 

I'm keeping to me because I'm doing what I want to here. I'm not a loud person. I'm not annoying anyone and I don't want anyone getting into my face anymore. I'm getting too old for the drama and the 'Neighbours'-like lifestyle people seem to think is normal in places like this; when they forget that 'Neighbours' is just a soap opera and would never happen in real life. 

Real life is what you make it. It's not supposed to be easy, it's not supposed to be difficult. It's supposed to be an ongoing journey of what you work on for yourself. Once you understand that you're a work in progress for your entire life, well, that's just the beginning of the work on yourself. It took me years to figure that out - and I'm still learning about keeping to me. 

And still, people don't get it. 

Family Ties

Yesterday, I was out celebrating with my Oma - my Dutch Grandmother (Aunty Helen's Mother In Law) with afternoon tea with the family at her retirement/nursing home. She had turned 99 years young on Thursday; and has only just been placed in one of these homes recently. 

We all got dressed up and sat around a large table with her at the head. She looked lovely in her purple top. 

But it made me wonder, as I was shown around the place, about the other people in there - about how things were for them when they were younger. Where they daredevils in their youth? What were their families like? Did they work or were they home-bodies, staying at home to care for the kids. Had they been to war or didn't they pass the physical? 

I knew deep down inside, they were all young once and even though these places really spook me, I know that if/when I end up in one of these places, I'm going to have somebody looking at me while I'm there and probably feeling the same way.

I also wondered if any of these people's families visited them; so see how they were. Did any one of their family members bring them flowers? Did they bring anything for them to do or come to take them out to lunch or chat with them? Or did their families put them there and never came to see them; thinking they were too much of a burden (as some families do unfortunately). 

The place Oma's in has a lovely lot of things around the back. There's a phone booth, a bus stop and a cafe where they can all spend time if they wish. There's a resident dog called Bailey (and he is a real sweetheart too) and a cat who doesn't like to be patted, but I think that's just a personality clash really. It's not a huge place, and so each person is looked after well; and it's nice and quiet - even though the main road isn't far away. 

I know Oma is visited often by family and she's much-loved by us all. And seeing how long she's been with us, I'm sure she'll be around for some time yet. So, what do you think of nursing homes? I know there's good ones and bad ones around. But I'm not a big fan of them really. I would hate it to have my life whittled down to a corner of a room - it's just not me. But I guess as I get older, my thoughts on this will change. Until my next post, take care, stay safe and remember, I'm always here.

My Rage At Road Rage

When I went out and got my license, I was 19 years old; and it was a necessity to get work, as the buses and trains didn't run as well as they do now. There weren't as many cars on the roads, the highways and roads didn't go to as many places and the cities weren't as huge and bustling as they are now.

But as time went on, my illness caught up with me and I was forced to stop driving... and unless you have a similar illness you have no idea what that's like. Catching public transport instead of driving is horrible - especially when you know how to drive a car.

However, after around 20 years, I was allowed back behind the wheel of a car and it felt wonderful but nerve-racking as I didn't know if I'd remember the rules again.

But I did - and as I pulled out onto Kingston Road, it was as though I never left the road; and yet it felt as though I did in so many ways.

So much had changed.

Traffic lights worked faster.

People drove faster.

People's tempers flared faster.

And the faster people drove, the faster their tempers flared and turned into road rage... and I've also had that problem too.

But as the past few years have gone by, I've learned to swallow my pride and just let those raging idiots be who they are... and if they want to be screaming around me with their high beams on, calling me names, okay, that's them. The one thing I don't do is pull over or stop (unless it's unavoidable).

Really, though, you have to get it through your skulls, people! Are we really going to kick the shit out of every single person who pisses us off on the road - like that poor guy at Yatala; who by the way is in a coma because of that mob who jumped on him? I mean how damned childish can you be to go after a tradie, beat the crap out of him then run away like cowards when the authorities show up; leaving him for dead. 

What in the hell did he ever do to you? 

Recently, I had another driver try to run me off the road in a road rage incident - it was only two weeks ago. I was on the way home from a friend's house at night, and I accidentally put on the wrong indicator signal at a round-a-bout (easily done by anyone). Well, somebody out there got really insulted and tail gated me for about 3 kilometres with their head lights on high beam until we hit a red light, where the driver almost got out of his car to approach me. 
If it hadn't been for another driver asking him exactly what the hell he was doing... well, I don't want to know what he was going to do. 
The other driver ordered him back into his car (which he did) and the light turned green, I drove off and the insulted driver cut off the other guy and - on the next round-a-about came up next to me to scream at me that I was an idiot (and some other name I didn't catch)... and he took 3 kilometres to do this and nearly ran me and himself off the road?
The idiot ran the next red light - which I stopped at - and took a side street where a cop car followed him down. Now... that was just Karma! 

Okay, anyone can use the wrong indicator, but it's not right to loose your beans on somebody in another car who does this. It's not like you're enforcing the law, and if you're a driver, it's best if you do watch carefully what people are doing. After all, I've seen other drivers have their indicator on for about 3 kilometre s and not even know it! Yet, I didn't run them off the road and scream at them that they were idiots.

Road rage is becoming a huge problem in our society - and it doesn't matter if you're young or old - it affects us all. Whether you're a person who it's been done to or somebody who has road rage under your skin, it's something we all have to think about carefully when we get behind the wheel of a car. 

The one thing I have found is that you must concentrate on your driving, how you concentrate, watch other drivers and what they're doing and be aware of your surroundings. Check your mirrors all the time, and remember to realise that just because you're having a shitty day doesn't mean you can push that onto somebody else who isn't. 

Don't make your shitty day somebody else's. 

Yummy Favourites

I haven't done a recipe for a while; and on Facebook, I've had a few people ask me to pass on the ones I cooked up on Thursday just gone. So, here goes! 

Mushroom and Spinach Spaghetti

Ingredients:

Mushrooms - sliced (not too thin)
Garlic - I slice mine thin, but crushed is just as good.
Baby Spinach
Paprika
Salt and Pepper
Parsley
Butter
Spaghetti - thickness is on taste.

Method:

Boil up the spaghetti and then in the last few minutes, cook up the mushrooms in the butter with the garlic, paprika, parsley and salt and pepper. Just before it's all cooked up, add in the baby spinach and put on the lid and turn off the heat; letting it steam the spinach and finishing off the cooking.

Serve up the spaghetti on plates with the mushroom and spinach on top. It's delicious with garlic bread and a touch of parmesan - or on its own the way it is. 


Baked Custard

Ingredients:

6 eggs
1/2 teaspoon vanilla essence
2 tablespoons of raw sugar
4 cups of hot milk
ground nutmeg (optional)

Method: 

Whisk eggs, vanilla essence and sugar together. Heat the milk until hot - not boiling - and then pour gradually into the egg mixture while mixing it. Pour this mixture into a lightly greased ovenproof dish and sprinkle with nutmeg (optional). 

Stand ovenproof dish in a baking dish with enough boiling water to come up halfway up the side of the ovenproof dish..

Bake, uncovered, in a moderate oven about 45 minutes or until the custard is firm.

You can also add rice to the bottom of this dessert and it'll add a deliciousness to it. 

Serves 6.

Recipe can be made a day ahead and served cold.
Microwave - not suitable.
Freeze - not suitable.
Store - covered in the fridge.

Rainy Days

I love rainy days... and also rainy nights.

During the days, the overcast clouds cool down the days and tune down the feel of the day; there's no glare, no sunburn, no feeling of boiling in your own sweat - it's a sedate way of spending a whole day doing whatever you do wherever you are.

And rainy days seem to last forever! They take so long to get going because of how they carry on, and they just seem to keep going on all day with the hubbub of the rain hitting the roof, gurgling down the down the downpipe and into the storm water drains... cleaning our gutters, streets and making the lawns and gardens green and healthy again.

Yes, I do love the rain so much I could just go on about it.

A good week of rain for Brisbane is a great way to spend time around the house. It's lovely to catch up on the reading, or to sleep the night away. Personally, I love to get in and watch a few movies... I know that's so cliche, but really, it's just a great way to while away the good old wet day here, while Mother Nature is taking care of my garden for me.

We have another few days of this rain - rain which is so badly needed around Brisbane - and I'm not complaining about it. It's going to be great to catch up with sleep, cleaning and anything else I need to do around the house. What do you do on days like this? Until my next post, take care, stay safe and remember, I'm always here.

Great Friends

Over the past few years, I've made some new friends online and offline. One of these friends is Tutasi. She's from the United States and visits Australia to be with her husband every few years for a couple of months.

The first time we met up was about 2 years ago, and we had only about 3 weeks to hang out with each other; and I drove her around parts of the south side of Brisbane to show her around.

Man, we had fun!

This past December, she came back from the Mid-West, and she's here for 6 months! We've picked up our friendship from where it left off from. This year, we've started having a Lady's Day Out every Thursday (or whenever we can once a week) and when we do, we take off around mid-morning and we have coffee and go looking around at shops, op-shops and other places, parks and other wonderful areas of Brisbane... the day isn't planned. But we have a great day!

Her hubbie is a nice guy, Tim, who loves it that she gets out and about with somebody here and thinks it's great she's made a such a great friend out of me. And while we're out, Tutasi and I go op-shopping for things around their house, so she can add touches to their place which is hers and hers alone. He was a little resistant to start with, but has started liking the changes because it's made life easier for him.

I think it's great when you have friends who not only open a new world to you, but they also see you as a new world as well. 

Tutasi sees me as part of her family; and Tim loves it that we can talk on end about everything about life and everything going on in our minds - as she knows I'm living alone in my life and when you're traveling alone in life, you need a great friend to chat to for hours. 

This is one of the reasons why I haven't been on here for a while. I've been out and about with Tutasi and enjoying a few outings, going to art school and having days out with friends. I have to apologise for not posting as often as I normally do... but it's just how things have happened. 

I've been op-shopping and donating my unwanted things. I've been throwing out rubbish and going through a few other things that I don't need, and the house is looking better and better as time has gone on. I promise to come back in here and chat to you all and keep you posted on what's going on more than I have been. Until my next post, take care, stay safe and remember, I'm always here.