Tuesday, May 29, 2018

Grieving And Loss

My last few posts have been all over the place; and for this I must apologise. I've lost a wonderful friend to suicide and it's really thrown me. My life has come to a complete and crashing halt because of it. 

This friend of mine was the bright star, the person who was always out there and doing things, singing gigs at every place in town, recording new music all the time, enjoying life right to the hilt and teaching as well as playing music - notes practically oozed from her pores. But she was in the most immense pain over the past six months; in and out of hospital and undergoing test after test and after all of this, she didn't know what was going on. She was losing weight, feeling as though her head going to implode, and at the same time, she couldn't breath or hold her own body weight - and yet, the doctors told her nothing came up on the tests to say there was anything wrong with her. 

Three weeks ago, she took her own life after going missing from a seaside township near the Devon Cliffs. Her service is next Tuesday - 5th, June - and I wish I could be there in the UK to say goodbye to her, but I can't. I live too far away to attend it. 

It's still very early days where I'll have a few hours where I don't think about her, and I'll be cleaning up around the place and everything will be fine. Then, I'll find the smallest thing she gave me and my whole day will be a mess. Everything I've done for that day will mean nothing to me and I'll fall down that rabbit hole of darkness and grief where I know my dear friend is no longer in my world and she's gone forever.

It's horrible to grieve the death of somebody who's been in your life for so very long that you think they'll always be there. The thing is that I have lost so many friends between my 30's and 40's that I really think it's time I stopped losing them... seriously, it's getting beyond a joke with my lot of friends diminishing as my life goes on; whereas my family's friends seem to keep on living beyond the age of 50. 

Next week is my friend's service - on 5th, June - and I've heard she wanted people attending the service to dress in their best vintage clothing (or bright clothes) for the service. I've thought to make an annual event in her honour: The Vintage Clothing Day. I don't care if there's one already knocking around, this is for my friend... and what's happened to her; which was dreadfully unfair. Her doctors failed her. The hospital failed her. The NHS failed her. This day is for people like her, the ones who felt they had no other way out but to take their own lives when the medical professionals stopped trying and stopped listening. 

Will you join me on this day wherever you are on 5th, June? I hope so.


  1. So sorry to hear the tragic lost of your friend.

    1. Thank you, craftynut. I really do miss her so much. I've been having good days, but there's times where I really wish I could talk to her when I'm suffering through my insomnia... like we used to.

      But she was in so much pain and no matter what people said, she wasn't listening.