Sunday, May 10, 2015

Mother's Day

For many, Mother's Day is a day where their children and families celebrate being around them. They make them breakfast in bed, buy them presents, take them out to lunch or brunch and spend the day pampering their Mums.

Over the decades where I could have been a Mum, I have found it continuously difficult to see my years pass by and watch my other family members raise their children without feeling a pang of emptiness inside me.

Losing my two children before they were born was the hardest things I had to do. The first was a miscarriage; which wasn't my fault. The second one was an abortion, which was my decision.

Just last week, I was with Mum and told her I feel so sad not being able to have children.  It is a lonely thing to have to live with; and that having to make a decision like that when I was so young - in high school - just wasn't fair.  I knew there was a chance my Epilepsy was something I was going to pass on;and we already had another disease in the family too. So there went my chances of having anything normal.

As the years have passed and I've started my 40th year on this planet, my life plans and endeavours have taken different directions.  But I still would have love to have known what it would have been like to have children and family of my own to share it with; instead of being on my own.

Would my life have been better?

Would I have seen and experienced other things?

Would having a family have widened my world?

I can't answer those questions mainly because my world is already widened without any of those things in it; but it would be totally different had I found somebody, had I not had Epilepsy and spent a majority of my 20's struggling to stay alive while practically living in hospital emergency wards and trying out medications to control my disease.  In the meantime, my friends and family were getting married and having children over that time.

Since I've had my Epilepsy controlled in 2004, I have found getting close to anyone difficult.  Men find me too strange as a person and find my personality 'weird'... and I think it might be because I've been alone for so long and kept myself from letting people get to close.

However, now I am no longer allowed to have children, it kind of hits home more that all my friends' kids are growing up and going to school, making things for their Mum's and are just wonderful. The pang is still there in a way, however, I enjoy seeing the happiness in my family's eyes of their own kids growing up.

So, even though I don't have children - and yes, it does hurt not to have them - it doesn't mean I don't like them. It means I'm missing out on being the Mum all my friends and family have had the chance to be.  I guess I wasn't fated to be a Mum in this life.

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